Well while Erika was doing dirty things with the Troll Cave (thanks, by the way!) I was down at an Anime convention. I know, I’m so cool. Well, I'm back and my brain pretty much functions on on only anime now.

The trip started out with me and a friend on a 5 hour car trip down to San Jose California. It was made slightly worse by blasting Anime Music, and playing tricks on each other while driving.

After many hours of “Uhwa uwaha” we made it to our hotel. However, there would be no rest for us- we had to go to the convention. After about an hour, we finally made it to the convention center (I say finally because we could have gotten there a lot faster it it weren’t for bad directions and getting the even worse idea to follow some idiots around.) However, as we reached the outside, I gazed upon the crowds, and was only able to say one thing: “I am home.”

More after the jump:

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I interrupt my well structured and closely followed posting schedule to give everyone great news!  I am now a proud daddy!

Ok just kidding.  But in addition to this being the 300th post that I have done, tomorrow is the first year anniversary of The Troll Cave!

Woooo! Look at him dance!  Look at him!

Sadly, tomorrow I will be on a 5 hour car ride down to an anime convention, so I cannot celebrate with everyone.  That doesn't mean that I don't love you thought.

I started this blog just on a whim, then I realized that I had a knack for blogging and making people laugh.  And now it's a full time hobby (not really a job, seeing as I don't make any money off of it.)  I've met a lot of great people and read a lot of great blogs out there.  I would mention names, but then all you other guys would be like "waaaahh Troll man didn't mention me."  Vultures, the lot of you.  But really, I love you guys, in the least gay way possible.

I will be back bright and early on Monday to post my pics of me dressed up as an anime character, random other people dressed up as anime characters, half naked cat women, as well as tons of other junk!  There may even be a secret guest poster to fill in for me this weekend!  Stay tuned, and stay beautiful, and last but not least, keep on trolling (except for while you're here.)

I just came back from a movie and now I have to watch even more stuff, like YouTube videos. It never ends, does it? Here's a product of Japan that I know you all will love (no, it's not like last week's box that closes it itself).

(Skip to 3:05 for the best part.)
I think a cumshot is a little past second base though... freaking second base man...

This second one, however, is something even better than humping various sports equipment.

Hah, I bet you guys tried to click on it. Suckers.  I was actually too lazy to find a second video because all of my history was filled with Minecraft videos and how to make my hair look like an anime character's.  But I got to pull this out.

So it seems that I've yet again stayed up until 3 in the morning playing Minecraft.  However, all is well, because I have finals in the morning!  Oh wait...

Actually my finals consist of waking up at noon, going to the store to buy sugary crap, then going to a party because my teacher gave us the test last week. 

But since I do have a real final for my Environmental Science on Wednesday, I figured I would go do some studying. (JK, refer to above picture).  Environmental science is fun as long as I don't have to be a part of it.  If someone poisons the water table in a forest, and no one is around to make a law against it, will the children of the next generation still have birth defects?  You bet they will, those little 3 nostriled-freaks.  But if people really want it bad enough, they will keep the amounts of pollution below Earth threatening levels. (On a semi-related note, my car passed smog!  Yay!)

But you know what's worse than terrible respiratory diseases?  Having to read the book which tells you what you can do to prevent them (and other boring stuff.).  Which is why common sense and guessing work so well.  Those bubbles don't get filled in with right answers by themselves...

"When the Troll Man gets a job, the rapture will come."

Well seeing as how I'm now a proud worker for Cinemark, it seems that I have to take back all the comments I made in my last post, because the rapture is in fact upon us.  Like Erika said, >my face when the rapture happens.  And this just happens to be my face: ლ(휴益휴ლ)

I was one of those people who said I would never get a job. "I'll make a blog, make money off advertising."  I said.  "No one reads my shitty blog, so I'll make money by selling my blood and semen." I said.  "It turns out nobody wants my semen and I most likely have AIDS so I can't donate blood either." I said.  I said a lot of things, but it turns out that actually doing stuff actually helps a lot more than talking about it (having a friend who works at the place you're tying to get hired at helps too). So I did away with the regular schedule of wake up at noon-fap-play Minecraft until 3a.m.-go to sleep and decided to actually do something about it. And that was to get my friend to drive me down to the theater and apply.

Somehow the stars aligned for me this day (probably creating a giant orbital death ray for everyone else) and allowed me to get hired. And thus crazy shit happened. It probably went something like this:

OK, now raise your hand if you've been abducted by raptor Jesus yet.  Ya, didn't think so. 

I know god.  He's a pretty cool guy.  He's also an excellent troll.

He wouldn't just make the day that he comes in and destroyes everything Sim-City style obvious.  It's completely of the work of the religious fanatics and their Christian Science, reading the stars or ancient Mayan Calendars or whatever, trying to predict when it's all going to end.  Don't you have anything better to do like, I don't know, help people?  Meanwhile, God is looking down at us laughing at all the people scurrying around trying to make the best of their "last days."
The end of the world has happened lots of times before, even before people were around trying to predict it.
People used to believe lots of things would bring about destruction to this world- same sex marriages, gambling and prostitution, but then people learned better.. oh wait.  Until a meteor makes a steaming hole in my lawn, I'll be here... doing all the regular stuff I do.  Oh ya, Minecraft.

Since there is only little over a week before Fanime, I thought I'd give you a final update on my cosplay: everything is finished. Yes, my costume is complete, including the most important item for my roll as a suicidal teacher: a noose.

You would be surprised how easy it is to tie a noose. There are even plenty of sites online to help you out. The hard part is trying to explain to people why you're making a noose. I went to the hardware store to buy rope, but there are some things you shouldn't say, including: "What's the best rope to make a noose with?" or "I need some rope to make a noose." It's like going to the gun counter of Walmart, picking up and inspecting one of the guns, then asking where they stock the anti-depressants.  So I just went back to the place where they kept the rope and bought about 8 feet (If I said 13 feet like a regular noose they might have gotten suspicious.)  Luckily I don't actually need to to hang myself up.

Sadly I'm not going to post any picture of the full outfit until after the convention.  Only one of my friends, the one who is cosplaying with me, has seen it.  For those of you who are wondering, he is going as Kyon from Haruhi.

Being bored was never this epic.

As for me, I've been preparing my lines for my character, including:
SHINDARA DOU SURU? -What if I had died???
Ittan desu ka?  (Talking to the stalker girl) You were there?  (To be followed up with "Yes, always")
And of course, ZETSUBOUSHITA!!- I'm in despair!!!

One day the machines will rule us all. Unless instead of John Connor, these machines are built by crazy Japanese people who make them to just fall down, or even turn themselves off.

Get out of there you, you'll never be the great oppressors of mankind if you're constantly hiding in that box with nothing but a bad atitude and a pouty face. (´・ω・`) Especially if you fight amongst yourselves.

I think instead of robots, ponies will take over the world. So far they've made their way onto youtube and 4chan, which means that's the internet is already long gone.

This was actually done by one of my friends (who still won't do a guest post for me), but you can still check out his Youtube channel here. As you can see, the ponies have even reached me. As my friend says, "Don't judge me, I can't get enough of this pony shit."

I drive a 1985 Chevy Blazer- which means it's older than me.  It isn't my dream car, but I love it.  It gave me a scare the other day, failing to pass smog, then later breaking down randomly on the side of the road.  Fortunately, Old Sparky (It got this name because it once started a grass fire on the side of the road after the catalytic converter blew out)  made it.

The best part of it: It's a stick shift.  Non of my friends can understand the fun of just shiftin' my stick around.  It's become almost a reflex- I don't even have to think about it (unless I'm downshifting, lol slowing down!).  But this makes driving other cars a pain.

My cat has four pedals; one to make you go, one to make you stop, one to make you stay stopped, and one to... well I'm not exactly sure how the clutch works, but I know it allows me to shift without my transmission falling out on the road, and allows me to scare my friends by letting me roll backwards on a hill.  But my mom's care only has three of these pedals.

Complete with duct tape.

Nevertheless, I still try to jam my foot in the direction of clutch in her car.  My hand also instinctively goes to the Prindle when going, even though the only thing I can do with it is shift it into neutral, making the engine sound like it's going to take-off (or explode) when I push in the gas.

No idea why this is sideways.  Pretend you're in the passenger seat.

You can actually shift into those low gear manually with an automatic car, but you will never use them unless you live in San Francisco or in the Mountains of Peru somewhere around Machu Picchu.  Until then, I'll be enjoying the sweet sounds of my engine purring as I shift through the gears, that is if they aren't covered up by the sound of my transmission clunking...

Rule 34: The Thirty Fourth Rule of the Internet (Obviously).  This rule states that if something exists, there is porn of it.  It's just like finding AMV set to Linkin Park on Youtube.  There is one for every anime.  Ever.  Believe me, go search it for yourself.  (Faint is the most popular by far.)

Pepsi x Coke

But because the likelihood of rule-breaking degenerates existing on the internet, not every one of these rules will hold up.  Descartes would most likely have a field day with this.  [I think, therefore I exist.]  If we take the inverse of rule 34 (34^-1), it would give you something like this:  If there is porn of me, that would mean I exist.  Well, when's the last time you saw Descartes Porn?

He does have a porn star mustache though.

If you think about it even more, when's the last time you saw Jesus porn (I know some of you sick fucks would search for it).  Porn exists of everything?  I think not.

There needs to be a rule about fetishes too, I'm pretty sure every item turns on at least one person in some way or another.

Mmmm yeah paperclip penis.

I actually learned recently that "fetish" can also mean "good luck charm."  Does that mean wearing my raincoat make me lucky because it's made out of latex?

Paranoia

Dear Diary,

Today is Friday, May 13. Friday the Thirteenth. I was able to avoid most bad things today, despite having to leave the sanctity of my home. No black cats, no having to walk under a latter. I didn't break any mirrors either, but I did see a crack in the road while looking through my rear-view mirror. I should call my mother to see if her back is fine...

I wonder how they came up with Friday the Thirteenth. I think calendars are just ways for the government to make us go to work for them on certain days at certain times, to make them money. Luckily I am able to avoid their plan by not going to work. You get dirty working. Besides all the little creatures crawling on your skin, you also get stuff like dirt under your fingernails, probably containing hundreds of microchips to track your every action.  To get them out, you gotta really dig down in there, and let the blood wash it all out.  This doesn't work to get the voices out of your head, however.  It will probably bring your a trip to their observation center, which they call a "hospital" where they poke you and inject you with more microchips.  Besides, you can fix any real health problems at home if you have a high enough pain tolerance.  Now, excuse me while I go after my toenails...

You can walk into just about anywhere (except Mordor, or if you're handicapped in some way. I mean no offense if you do happen to be handicapped.) But what if you walk into a familiar place and see something... unfamiliar. What do you do?

This is a question that haunts 4chan to great extents. It seems they are so ill prepared to experience something new, or perhaps the fact of leaving their basements and seeing something that they don't recognize, for instance, a woman, is terrifying. But never fear, I am here to answer this the best way I can, with sarcasm.

One of the favorites is 'You walk into Walmart..." Well let me tell you something about Walmart. You're assuming a lot, thinking people would actually walk into these places. Walking is for people who can get cheap healthcare to fix their crippling disabilities.

If I was a bona fide American like this lady, I would be riding one of those electric scooters, because obesity is obviously a disability. After that, I really wouldn't be phased
by anything that you might come across in Walmart. It is Walmart, after all...

(Sorry for the late post, blogger was down last night)

Dark Shades. Explosions.  Bounty Hunters. Evil Laughing. What more do you need in an action flick? This is Ace Rider!

I have a talking cat in my watch, your argument is invalid.

But what happens if you have real non-watch cats, and their are pissing on everything you know and love? You set up some sort of abomination of a trap to spray them with water.

To be honest, this could make for a pretty awesome action movie as well.

As my little homage to Mothers day, I'm trolling my mom.  Remember, no one is safe.  My mom says a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense.  This usually involves the controlling of my life, even though I'm 20 (can't wait to move out).

"They say you shouldn't do [insert destructive behavior here] ."
    -My mom.

Who is this 'they'?  Did you consult some board of experts to come up with this conclusion?  Is there some strange force out there that governs what is good or bad for us to do?  It helps if they actually have a face instead of being some sort of faceless entity.

'They' in person.

If they had a name, I would probably be more inclined to listen to them [unless that name is Jesus].  Like Smokey the Bear.  I remember him as a kid.   No way in hell I was going to play with matches and burn my whole family in the middle of the night.  But these 'they' people, they don't have any power over me.


They say I shouldn't do a lot of shit.  I do it anyways.  My mom could think up at least 10 things that 'they' say cause cancer.  Here's a protip: everything causes cancer.  Especially sunlight, with those UV rays and shit.  That's why I stay in my cave most of the time to avoid it.  Another big one is diet soda.  How are you supposed to build up a resistance to carcenogenic sweeteners if you don't consume it?  Cockroaches don't live through nuclear disasters by eating veggies, you know...

As I explained in an earlier post, I will be going to Fanime Convention here in California at the end of this month, and just to be like the greasy-pimply people there, I'm going to cosplay, or dress up like an anime character.  Which sounds completely nerdy.  Believe me, it is.  But I'm going to make it look good.

I'm going as this bamf right here.

Itoshiki Nozomu, the manic-suicidal teacher from Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei.  He is just so awesome, he inadvertently makes all the girls in his class fall in love with him.  Kind of like me, which is why I chose him.  Also because I have similar hair length and glasses as him.

Because this is AMERICA and there is no real way to get a kimono and a hakama (the pants) other than paying 200 dollars to buy and ship them over seas, me and my mom, who just happens to be an excellent sewer, decided to make them.

So far the Kimono is done, leaving only the Hakama and loads of heir gel between me and my transformation into an anime character.  When it is all put together, I will be sure to post it!

So now that 4chan Friday is over, I now have a free day to post whatever I want... which means more work for me.

I kind of like having something planned to do on certain days. It gives some sort of structure for this otherwise completely random blog. Friday is nice cause I have no work to do and I can just sit and mash my keyboard into the night. Monday's "It came from Youtube" is nice too because, face it, Mondays suck, and the less thinking I have to do the better (even thought this might change soon).

So I'm faced with the decision of what to do on Fridays now. Faggotry Friday? Fucked-up Friday?

I'm pretty sure I've used this picture before, but it fits for pretty much anything.

Hell, let's throw out the alliteration and think of something completely new. I was thinking of actually writing prose of some sort, rather than rants about nothing.  Something like "Diary of a Crazy Person" or even chapters from a book I've been (slowly) working on.  I could call it "Cool Story Time for my Bros" or something.  What do you guys think?  Feel free to give me some suggestions!

Cinco de Mayo is one of the great examples of Americans taking holidays that don't even relate to them and turning them into an occasion to eat glorious amounts of food. On top of that, Cinco de Mayo is a Spanish Holiday that celebrates one winning battle in a war that they lost.

Being a supporter of the French and their language, I could care less that they won a battle in a war that the French won. That's right, no surrender here bitches. Actually, I'm glad that they won the battle, because now I get to eat tons of spicy Mexican Food (aka Taco Bell), even though that's what I do the rest of the year. Between my mom making burritos, me having to make frozen microwave ones while she is away, and going to Taco Hell with my friend, I'm surprised my colon is still intact.

Not that Taco Bell is anything like real Mexican food. I could go to Mexico and get like 20 Tacos for 99 pesos each, complete with salmonella, but if I wanted super soul burning hot sauce to slop on top (complete with witty quote) I would have to actually go to Taco Bell.

Why pay more?  That's all the immigrant workers make anyways.

And don't even try to order a Chalupa...

I'm all for cute anime characters, so when someone makes a video specifically for looping all of their cute lines together, that makes me happy.  This role in Stein's Gate might make me like Kana Hanazawa more than Chiaka Omigawa. Tuturu~~~


Of course this video reminded me of this video, with a less cuteness, but just as many random one-liners autotuned into a song.

Oh Light, you yell so much, but it makes for a good adaptation of the K-On! op.

It seems that something amazing has happened!  American forces have found and captured Saddam Hussein!  On top of that, the Berlin Wall has come down, the slaves were freed, America became separate from Britain, and it seems that the dinosaurs have, in fact, gone extinct.  Yes, this is all very pressing.  No, I don't have cable, why do you ask?

If it weren't for the limited amount of internet news spam that I see when signing into my E-mail, I would probably never know there is an outside world.  I may know when a game update comes, but when some major world incedent happens, I am pretty much in the dark. 

I also never see any move trailers anymore, which is made worse by the fact that my friend works in a movie theater.  Whenever someone askes me if I'm going to see a movie, I have to figure out which answer is in my best interest to make off the name.

"PPA just came out today, what the heck?"   "Huh... oh ya, I want to see that!"  "What, you want to see Prancing Pony Adventure?"  "Uh..."

But then of course I can say that I was just trolling them.

From Wikipedia:

Trolling is a method of fishing where one or more fishing lines, baited with lures or bait fish, are drawn through the water. This may be behind a moving boat, or by slowly winding the line in when fishing from a static position, or even sweeping the line from side-to-side, e.g. when fishing from a jetty. Trolling is used to catch pelagic fish such as salmon, mackerel and kingfish.

Well, it seems I was doing it wrong the whole time. My bad! But before I turn this blog into one about fishing (which I know you guys would LOVE), here’s a few reason why I will never actually go fishing myself:

Trollbait

Fishing is boring. All you do is sit around all day being bored and drinking, then tug on your rod until something comes. I can already do that at home by myself. Then after you finally catch one, you have to do something with it.

You can't throw it back. That's just weird. How would you like to be pulled out of your home by a freshly implanted lip piercing, manhandled by a person wearing a Budweiser shirt, then thrown back in? You're better off being eaten.

Except fish is gross. Well, at least until it’s on your plate. Before that, it starts out as a thrashing, slippery lump of scales. Then you get to bash it in the head and rip its entrails out, similar to what a zombie would do to a person. Then you have a non-thrashing, slippery hollow lump of scales, filled with a jillion tiny little bones. What sounds better, this or a nice de-boned fillet from your supermarket?