Hallow Fricken' Ween

It's that time of year again, where I realize I'm too old and have too many cavities to keep going out Trick or Treating.  But I go anyways, mostly to see how many people recognize Pedo Bear, and how many of those people are concerned parents who would like to see me not giving away "free candy" to their kids out of my van dorm room.

Lazy College Student uses same mask.

Sadly, nobody actually trick or treats at the dorms, because everyone knows poor college kids would give out the shittiest candy.
Thanks, 'man'.
That's why me and my college friends are going out to get free candy instead, because you're honestly never too old to run around dressed like freaks (or sluts) and get free candy.  At least until you have kids of your own, which is just creepy.  It's funny (and sad) how much Halloween changes between childhood and somewhat-not-child-anymore-hood. 

As Children:
Boys: I want to be something scary, like Dracula, or a pirate, or a mummy. 
Girls: I want to be a princess, or a fairy, or a princess.

As Teens:
Girls:  I want to be a princess or a fairy, with fishnets and miniskirts.
Guys:  I want to check out the girls and scare little kids.

As Adults:
I'm going to feel this in the morning.

Parents try to cut back on trick or treating as you get older, not just because over time the costumes get more extravagant, expensive, and not to mention slutty, but because you have no more baby teeth left, and they will be paying for your dentist bill. 

While we're on the topic of extravagant Halloween costumes, Let's talk about some not-so good ones:

The Human Centipede: You may get three times the candy, but it's also gonna get three times as long before you get to eat it.  It might also be a little digested.

Old Cosplay:  I thought of using my old costume from an anime convention, but then again I won't be at a convention.  I'll just be a Japanophilic nerd in a possibly racist town.

Irony:  So you realized it was the day before Halloween, and that you didn't have a costume, huh?  Sucks for you that no one will give you candy without a costume.  Being a nudist on strike doesn't work either.

Internet Meme costume:  Once again, You're not on the internet, you're in real life.  Nobody will get it.  Except for Pedo Bear, because he is awesome.  And possibly because he is on a watch-list for possible criminals.

The Taste of Nothing

The freshman 15 (pounds of fat) is creeping up to me, and I'm only halfway done with my first semester.  All that Denny's probably isn't very good for me.  But really, who can pass up unlimited pancakes?  In return, I'll just diet a little bit (or a lot).

As a supporter of the eat-nothing diet, I have to say the emptiness inside of my stomach is really fulfilling.  Sometimes I eat a piece of something for breakfast to fool my body into thinking food is coming so it starts my metabolism, but then I shut it down.  Lots of water helps drown out any feelings of "hunger."

Two options: always eat, or never eat.

Water weight adds up after time though.  All of these fat water-sacks walking around all hydrated and stuff, it's disgraceful.  The ultimate purge diet is the only way to go.  So how do I rid my body of all the fat, water, drugs, pieces of small children, and all other toxic stuff in my body?  Here's what you do (in complete scientific detail).

1.  Stop eating.  You need to stop pushing fat and sugar down your throat for just 2 measly weeks so your body can get rid of everything that is making you chunky, slow, and tired all the time.  Also, some of the stuff that may be helping, like muscle tissue and stomach lining.  Those grow back though.  Maybe.

2.  The cleans says to drink a mixture of Lemon Juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and lots of water.  This delicious concoction will be replacing any delicious food you could be eating killing yourself with for the next week or month or so.  After the toxins in your body get a wiff of this nasty shit, they will be running out your butthole faster than saltwater down a stormdrain.  Which brings us to the next step.

3.  Water.  Salt Water.  Water weight is bad, but it won't be there for long.  You know why you shouldn't drink the water if you're stranded at sea?  Because you will have diarrhea.  But as long as you're on dry land, you can basically let your colon turn into a surrogate bladder for as long as you want.  But I haven't eaten anything for the past week, how do I keep pooping?  Well, you know how you see corn in your stool even if you haven't eaten it in weeks?  Well all that corn and other bad stuff (aka toxins) are still stuck in there.

Once you drink around 1liter of an even more delicious salt water mixture, all you have to do is wait... then your butthole with explode.  Better be sitting on the toilet.  The diet recommends you to "flush almost immediately."  I haven't tried it, but I would probably follow their advice.  Just remember to add enough salt, or you're just going to retain it, fat ass.

If your knees stop working or your hair starts falling out, then that means that it's working.  Stick it out for another two weeks.  

After all this is done, you can go back to your normal "solid food" diet so you can build up another layer of digested food inside you intestines, complete with all the toxins.  Tasting something other than lemon and cayenne never tasted so good.

Humbold Hijinks: OJ and Alarm Clocks

It's been too long since you heard from me about my crazy roommates and horrible diet choices that include the name "Denny's" here from everyone's favorite stoner school.  So here's another Humboldt Hijinks.

I love orange juice.  I could drink it forever.  I don't particularly like oranges, just the juice.  Except after you brush your teeth.  That's just gross.

Despite the closest store on campus being down several flights of stairs and a large hill which is required to climb to return and enjoy our ice cold goodness, me and my roommates go down almost every night to buy drinks.  It's worth it, since they sell half gallon jugs of orange juice, just enough to quenche my thirst for one anime marathon.  Or for at least an hour or two.  (That's why I bought more.)

But soon that got expensive.  I don't know how much vitamin c is too much, but I'm pretty sure I was reaching the limit.  That, or if I continued it, the one day I didn't drink any I would develop the worst cold of my life. 

Of course you can't have orange juice without alcohol.  One night, my roommates decided to go out drinking.  Let me add that it was on a school night, and my roommate can only handle 4 glasses (of wine) before he starts speaking in slurred Vietnamese and crying about why nobody understands why he doesn't like onions.

In order to avoid having to deal with two drunk people before having an 8 am class in the morning, I decided to sleep over at another (sober) friend's place.  But before that, I set a trap.  My alarm clock is pretty much the worst sounding thing in the world.  You can stand it if you can shut it off in the first ten seconds, but I usually sleep through that, as well as the next two snoozes.  My roommates have learned to hate it a lot.  So the night before leaving, I "forgot" to turn it off.  And then I hid it, so inebriated people couldn't either.  I think they liked their wake up call.
If you can't tell, they found it.  And lynched it.
Still waiting for when they decide to get me back.

Why We Can't Have Nice Things (As Americans)

The East.  The West.  On a map, they make sense.  Until you start labeling things on the wrong sides.

Ninjas may come from the East, but the Lawyer comes from the West, and because of this we are richer and able use modern medicine instead of voodoo and plants grown in someone's back yard.  But lawyers cannot use maps, and I'm pretty sure ninjas can't either, which brought us to this:

How we broke it:

The ideas of 'the east' and 'the west' came from Europe.  While they were out exploring and trying to bring back rare food things and shiny shit for their kings to get fat and rich on, they stumbled upon 'the east,' and before even getting a chance to laugh at their lack of guns, horses, and proper shoes, they got pushed out.  So then they went and conquered the Americas instead, because our natives were frankly less scary than little asian guys with big swords.  Then eventually they built a wall, completely closing up the orient for eons and eons until they had something they could really take advantage of Americans with: anime.

Why are these tangy tasting ramen noodles called "Oriental" you ask?  Well, shut up and sit down, because if there was one point where this blog would be here to teach you something, this would be it.  East used to be the top of the map, before fuckin' magnets came around and made north the top.  (Unless you live in the Southern hemisphere, then the map is turned upside down.  This allows the retarded portion of these countries to ask why we don't fall off.)

That's the reason the east is called 'The Orient," because if you could find east, whether by the rising sun or the smell of fermenting soy-beans, you could orient yourself and not get lost going to places like, I don't know, Africa.

So here we are as Americans, the retarded middle child.  The west is to the east, the east is to the west.  We don't have ninjas like the east, and before a certain point we didn't have anybody to invent stuff like gravity and physics like the people who make up 'the west.'  But at least Hitler wasn't born here.  Ha ha, Europe.

The Poor Man's Burden

In this world of shitty economies, one has to give up certain things in order to be able to spend more on other luxuries, such as porn on DVD instead of free pixelated shit on the internet.  This post is for the poor man who can't afford to be in the bourgeoisie. 


The rule here at the Troll Cave is bros before hos.  Cholos aren't even in the equation.  But aye, they are funny.

But there's always time for anime and video games. Whether you like Haruhi or Portal, I think we can both agree on one thing: she's the best at space.
You are guilty. Guilty of not being in space. And if you missed this next one, or just flat out don't get it, you are guilty of not being on the internet enough.

The Taste of Her Cherry Chapstick

There are some things you only see a few times in your life.  Child birth.  A black person being elected president.  Someone who can lick their own elbow.  For an anti-social internet lurker like myself, it's two girls making out.

I had different expectations about what I would see and do when I went off to college.  I wondered how many crazy 'drink until you puke up your guts' parties I would get invited to.  I wondered how many of those parties would include me standing at the wall like a blind person watching a magic show, being the designated driver.  I wanted to know the feeling of laughing at people going to an 8 a.m. class, hung over and high from the night before.  I wanted to know how many of these parties would include random drunk girls making out.  Well, I haven't gotten invited to any parties, but I haven't needed to.

Take away the makeup, that's me.
Every girl says to their other girlfriends "If I were like, a total lezbo, I would like, totally do you. *hic*"  When girls do this, it's a compliment.  If you're hot enough to make members of the same sex interested in you, then you've got it goin' on.
Good job, Bieber.
If a guy says something like this to a girl, as in "Damn bitch, you fine, I would totally do you," it's called being a rude pervert, and you get a swift kick in the groin.  If a guy tells another guy that he would do him, then it's just outright violating the bro code and that is totally not brokay.  But this blog isn't about liking the opposite sex, it's about kissing, which has nothing to do with love.

Let's set the scene.  Take two bi-curious girls, and make them roommates, and then include me and my roommate ignoring them so the only refuge they have is each other(really, who would be interested in us?)  Let their curious nature take over for a month or two, then bore the shit out of them by playing Call of Duty for several hours one night.  Like wild animals in heat, their instincts will take over.  As for my roommate and myself, our instincts as lonely college students will also take over, and we will grow the patience to wait out for whatever happens.  And happen it did.

I blame would like to thank Katy Perry for making the whole lipstick lesbian cool.  I mean, who wouldn't want a little taste of some cherry chapstick (and maybe a bit of their tongue?)

Edit: I thought I would add this:

Ohm Nom Nom

Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins.  Luckily I know I'm already going to hell, so I can indulge.

Food is a love/hate relationship.  I love food, but I hate the feeling that you get after you eat so much food that you feel like you're going to burst.  But god invented fingers not only to help you shove things into your mouth, but to shove down your throat to purge yourself (granted you're not some full-time whore or sword swallower with no gag reflex.)

Or both.  Lucky sword.
Sometimes when you're cooking for yourself, such as I, a poor college student no longer living with my mom who makes me eat veggies, do, you tend to lose sight of what really matters, like nutrition.  This may just be the addictive nature of the MSG talking, but Ramen is really great.  The combination of noodles, with a bunch of salt which makes you retain all of the water that you boiled said noodles in, really fills you up.  At least until someone makes, say, a cake.

When there is nobody around to say why you can't have something extraneous and horrible for your health, such as cake (or anything for that matter) you really can't make up a reason to keep it away from yourself.  There's enough reasons to overeat, such as every holiday- you just get to pig out on something different.  Do you want cavities and an expensive dentist bill, while at the same time running around past your bedtime dressed like a retard?  That's called Halloween.  How about a table covered in every type of food imaginable, complete with a  giant dead bird stuffed with even more food?  Thanksgivings- why yes, thank you.  Even mundane outings and even random days off give reasons.  Going to Costco?  Don't mind me, just passing by for a third sample.  About to go flying on a plane?  Oh look, they only have this store here in the terminal, and nowhere else- and I have a three hour flight in which I can slowly indulge myself.
Can also be used as a flotation device.

You know those people who can't help but think about food even while they're not eating.  As Americans, we already have ways to cope with this.  It's called the Food Network, or the 24 hour fap to food porn channel, where all your dreams of being able to cook and eat all you want will come true.  That, or you can cry to yourself about your overweigtness while you sit on your couch like a beached whale, wishing someone would come put food in your mouth.

Which we have by the way.  It's called delivery.  Sadly, it's not directly into your mouth.  I like to pretend I'm getting exercise that way though; especially if you are eating Chinese food with chopsticks.  Then I can also pretend that they're like knitting needles and I knit my chow mein into a nice warm quilt.  A warm, greasy, quilt.