The Taste of Nothing

The freshman 15 (pounds of fat) is creeping up to me, and I'm only halfway done with my first semester.  All that Denny's probably isn't very good for me.  But really, who can pass up unlimited pancakes?  In return, I'll just diet a little bit (or a lot).

As a supporter of the eat-nothing diet, I have to say the emptiness inside of my stomach is really fulfilling.  Sometimes I eat a piece of something for breakfast to fool my body into thinking food is coming so it starts my metabolism, but then I shut it down.  Lots of water helps drown out any feelings of "hunger."

Two options: always eat, or never eat.

Water weight adds up after time though.  All of these fat water-sacks walking around all hydrated and stuff, it's disgraceful.  The ultimate purge diet is the only way to go.  So how do I rid my body of all the fat, water, drugs, pieces of small children, and all other toxic stuff in my body?  Here's what you do (in complete scientific detail).

1.  Stop eating.  You need to stop pushing fat and sugar down your throat for just 2 measly weeks so your body can get rid of everything that is making you chunky, slow, and tired all the time.  Also, some of the stuff that may be helping, like muscle tissue and stomach lining.  Those grow back though.  Maybe.

2.  The cleans says to drink a mixture of Lemon Juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and lots of water.  This delicious concoction will be replacing any delicious food you could be eating killing yourself with for the next week or month or so.  After the toxins in your body get a wiff of this nasty shit, they will be running out your butthole faster than saltwater down a stormdrain.  Which brings us to the next step.

3.  Water.  Salt Water.  Water weight is bad, but it won't be there for long.  You know why you shouldn't drink the water if you're stranded at sea?  Because you will have diarrhea.  But as long as you're on dry land, you can basically let your colon turn into a surrogate bladder for as long as you want.  But I haven't eaten anything for the past week, how do I keep pooping?  Well, you know how you see corn in your stool even if you haven't eaten it in weeks?  Well all that corn and other bad stuff (aka toxins) are still stuck in there.

Once you drink around 1liter of an even more delicious salt water mixture, all you have to do is wait... then your butthole with explode.  Better be sitting on the toilet.  The diet recommends you to "flush almost immediately."  I haven't tried it, but I would probably follow their advice.  Just remember to add enough salt, or you're just going to retain it, fat ass.

If your knees stop working or your hair starts falling out, then that means that it's working.  Stick it out for another two weeks.  

After all this is done, you can go back to your normal "solid food" diet so you can build up another layer of digested food inside you intestines, complete with all the toxins.  Tasting something other than lemon and cayenne never tasted so good.


2 Response to "The Taste of Nothing"

  1. Sub-Radar-Mike October 25, 2011 at 9:00 PM
    Haha, I'm not sure how healthy it would be to follow this diet.
  2. Major.Mack October 27, 2011 at 12:15 AM
    im going to post this on my fridge and get on it :)

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