Well, it's that time of the year again, and Christmas has come and gone.  I bet you enjoyed getting some nice pairs of socks from aunt Bertha, right?  Probably. But what about the rest of the holidays?  Did you enjoy those too?  Nope, cause Christmas sucks.

Now don't start lookin' at me saying, "Ah, look at this humbug."  You know Christmas is the worst time of the year.  Don't get me wrong, I love getting presents and stuff.  You probably thought I was just some spoiled kid or something. Well,that's not the point of Christmas is it, you fat money slave?  Christmas is about food, family, and joy to the world.  That's what I hate.

Let's roll back about three weeks (or three posts, if you actually still read this blog.) Winter holiday number one, Thanksgiving.  Take the overwhelming feeling of being stuffed to the brim with dry turkey and mashed potatoes, then copy and paste that to December.  There's Christmas dinner, as well as dinner for the next week or two, depending on how many people stay at your place to mooch for their entire vacations.  What is the point of such a huge meal twice a year?  Oh ya, America (do I really have to go any further?).  Does anybody actually like turkey?  Or is it just that we are so stuck on the idea that we need to kill a bunch of ugly birds and feast upon their tasteless flesh because that's what our ancestors did? 

Something about that unnaturally colored dangly thing makes me want to eat it.

I don't know, but I'm sure none of them had access to a deep fryer, which is the only way that would make a whole turkey taste good.  You can make anything delicious with plenty of fat.

While trying to keep your lardy eyelids open while under the effects of all that tryptophan, you're then forced to open presents.  Free stuff, cool, cool.  But Santa didn't magically make this and shit it out under your tree (sorry kids).  Someone had to wade through crowds of people, punching multiple solar-plexi trying to get you this gift.  This is proof of their love for you.  If they got you something like socks or a sweater, you are nothing to them. 

Don't even mention the fact that you have to go to church.  Luckily, Christmas fell on a Sunday this year, so we only had to go once, if at all.  So what if it's Christ's birthday.  The only place people go to on my birthday is the Red Robin.  If anything we should be going to a manger or barn or something to celebrate.  We don't go back over to Spain and enslave the natives there on Columbus's birthday, do we?

At least the decade old Christmas songs that have been playing on every radio station for the past three weeks have stopped.  Now we can look forward to the stores putting out all the Easter candy within the week!

There are four people living in my dorm suite (5 if you count the guy who we only see once every 2 weeks). Then there are two people who pretty much live over here, which entails pretty much everything but them sleeping here. Between all of us, we use a lot of dishes. We use a lot, but none of us have a lot of time (or interest) for doing them.

Where is the dish washer?  Hint: there is more than one in this picture.

For four of the people here, they come home one day and the sink is magically empty, ready for more victims of ramen and hot pockets. For me, I am the one cleaning mold off week old plates. I’m not really acting like everyone’s bitch, it’s just that I like doing dishes. It’s kind of calming in the storm of tests, zombie killing, and drunk girls. Plus my mom inadvertently trained me to like doing them a certain way, and I can’t say all the other people here would do them to my standards. Or at all.

The main problem with dishes is that sinks have other uses rather than dish holder. Since we have no dish washer (other than me) they generally just sit there and gather mold in the moist costal air of Humboldt County. Unfortunately, a full sink holds about a half of our total dishes, so even when it’s full, people can still access clean stuff to plaster their grease on, and put off doing the dishes for one more day.

So what would happen if suddenly no more clean dishes would appear each week? My experiment is to see what would happen if I stopped doing the dishes. Would they get done? Would everyone revert to purely eating out? I don’t know, earlier I had to drink water out of a bowl like a dog, which might say something. It did tell me to get off my butt and do the dishes, which means the cycle is now back at the beginning. I guess I’ll see, and post results when something finally breaks. Whether it’s the garbage disposal or my roommates, I don’t know.

Sink as of now.

Next will be my laundry to see how long I can go before people start noticing my body odor.

Ten years ago today, a tragedy befell this great country.  I may have only been in 5th grade, but I remember what great thing the people involved did, and it moved me.

If I should remove five blocks corresponding to the five pillars of Islam before the tower should fall, then I know I am guaranteed a group of virgins (aka a World of Warcraft clan) in my afterlife.  But seriously.  No jihads on this blog please.  Here's a funny picture to make up for it.

"Snap into a Slim Jim while I snap into this!  Rawwwwww!"

If you're an antisocial shut-in like me, you might find it hard to make friends, at least one's who aren't named "Stranger."

But don't worry, Mr. Lonely, I'm sure there are people who would want to talk with you.  They might want to also want touch you in inappropriate places, but I guess it's better than nothing.

Of course if you want to make friends who will be with you through thick, thin, and letting you talk to them sometimes maybe when their other cool friends aren't around, then you have to take one of two paths.  However, there just seems to be something wrong with having to suck a guy’s dick in order to stop him from calling you ‘faggot,' so we'll skip to the higher route.

Step One: Be rich. People love rich kids. If you are rich, you can drive fancy cars so you can pick up chicks and then bang them in it later. Parent’s aren’t lawyers/doctors/astronauts? Well then, the least you can do for yourself is steal some fancy clothes to make yourself look good.

Step Two: Network.  Social network.  Get on MySpace (Facebook is for social whores who want to give out their friend invitations to anyone who wants it.  Don't fall for it.)  Make yourself sound interesting, rich, or hot.  Not hot? Then follow the next step.

Step Three:  Photoshop is your friend.  Give yourself some fancy 6 pack abs for your profile pic.  Take a pic of a popular guy surrounded by girls and paste your head on it.  'Accidentally' get a picture of your 10 inch penis spread across the internet. 
Step Four: Join in with your prospective friends and make fun of other people.  They were your friends at one point before you got addicted to World of Warcraft?  Nah, they didn't support your 18 hour a day gold farming business (which was fairly successful, to be honest, minus the sleep deprivation and dropping out of class.)  You don't need them anymore.  Your display of lack of morale standards will definitely make people like you.

Step Five:  If all else fails, go out and get to people yourself.  Go to every party, and bring beer, but don't drink any.  Do whatever, bang any chicks, secretly pee on those douches who passed out.  Can't dance?  Can't even talk to girls?  Don't worry, with everyone equipped with beer goggles, you will be the sober life of the party, and nobody will even remember it in the morning.  They might remember faintly of something totally killer happening the night before though, just tell them that was all you.  If they don't, well then just remember the one night you actually had a life...

So Jesus dies, sins are all taken care of, everything is all good, right?  Apparently not, because they made a whole other half a book to cover everything else.  Well to be honest, I have no idea what happens after Jesus dies.  It's like whatever happens in the Lord of the Rings after they (spoiler) drop the ring into Mount Doom.  Yes, in the books there are several full chapters after that, none of which I have read.

Does not knowing these make me a bad person?  Am I going to go to hell?  Short answer?  Yes.  Long answer?  I'm probably going to hell for multiple reasons, not just for trolling the bible even when I barely know anything about it. 

But since most religions state you're going to hell if you don't follow whatever beliefs they hold, then that means everyone is going to some hell or another.  Is Muslim hell Christian heaven?  I know they would probably hate it there, as much as I would being trapped with a bunch of Bible thumpers for all of eternity.

However, every once in a while, something crawls out of Satan's fiery bunghole and is planted here on earth to make us suffer (or enjoy, if you happen to be a sadist like that.)  Rebecca Black?  People who say "like" a lot?  Talking popup ads on the internet?   It all comes from somewhere, and that place is hell.  Yes, most of you know my writing by now, and can clearly identify this as none other than an intro for a new weekly post series:  It Came from Hell.  Stay tuned for next week, my hell spawn.

There comes a point in every mans life that he must accept Jesus into his heart.   No just kidding, that's totally gay.  And we all know how much the Bible loves homosexuality.

But I'm not saying Jesus is gay or anything, he's actually a pretty cool guy.

Sometimes

If you've read the Bible like every non-going-to-hell person, you realize that Jesus isn't actually the one who is the Troll, but his father.  God- the original troll dad.

First, he sends his only son down to the Earth (from heaven no less, talk about a demotion.)  He totally gets born to some riffraff who can't even get into an inn for the night.  His mother?  A virgin.  I bet Joesph was pretty mad about that.

You say 'there's no sex in the bible, that's a sin and therefore shouldn't be there.  Also, you're going to hell for talking about it, and because you touch yourself at night.'  Well, that's wrong- I touch myself all throughout the day.  And if I went to church, I would probably be touching myself there too.

But really, there is sex in the bible.  Except with Mary and Joseph.  Sucks for him.  But for people like Adam and Eve, who were just basically naked in a garden paradise all day, probably didn't even have anything better to do.  And they probably hadn't even invented marriage yet.  I don't remember what the Bible says about pre-marital sex (something about it being a sin) but I know what it considers 'marriage' is pretty loose.

Back long before people complained about gays getting married, and even before Jesus was born to a women with an intact hymen, there was the town of Sodom.  Rings a bell doesn't it?

Yes, sodomy (buttsecks for you middle-schoolers out there) was invented in the Bible.  Or at least it turned into some taboo because other people didn't want their town destroyed because it was 'that time of the month' for their wives and they still wanted to get some so they stuck it in the back door.  No biggie.  Leave it to the Bible to ruin modern man's fun.

While we're on the topic of thing that have been around for long ass times, let's talk about whores.  Whoring is one of the oldest jobs in existence, even older than 'wiping grandpas ass.'  What, you didn't have to do that as kids? 

Even Jesus had a friend who was a whore.  And he loved her like the cool dude he was.  He could see her golden heart underneath all those biblical age STDs.  When she was bathing his feet in perfume, he probably even looked her in the eyes.

Eventually, this ancient job of sleeping with rich, ugly men, got an upgrade called the "video camera."  and thus porn was born.

I really don't know where I am in the Troll Bible, and since I was playing TF2 and forgetting that I had to do a post until now, I'll just skip ahead to something I know.  Psalms.  No, Jesus hasn't been born yet.

Psalms is like the musical section of the bible.  Musicals are good.  Except the ones of the High School type starring Zac Efron.  Luckily, religious poems and music aren't performed by awkward pubescent actors trying to break the stereotype that all teenage get-together's don't involve underage drinking and sex.

"This is me imitating my career and this movie."  *Flop*

The Poems in Psalms are interesting.  Not that I know many.  Is "Jingle Bells" one of them?  All I know is that they shouldn't rhyme, unless you happen to be reading it in the original Hebrew.  I had to learn poetry for my High School English class.  I had to figure out iambic pentameter was in order to make a pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables.  Not that any of that would make any difference if the poems were translated into another language.  So what we're left with is a series of messages in code that we're supposed to interpret.  Just like the rest of the Bible. 

Old people are cool.  My grandpa was born and raised in the south, and was a sailor in the war, and pretty much has a vocabulary to match it. But when you get to that age, you pretty much are aloud to say whatever you want and get away with it.  Which is like me on the internet. 

This morning, while trying to catch up on sleep; spending the night on the floor of my living room after having my room commandeered by relatives, I was was waken by old, loud country music.  It was my grandpa.  And yes, it was early.  It's not like he's hard of hearing (or even senile), I think it was just his way of fucking with us and telling us to wake up.  At 8:00 am on a Sunday morning.

Sure, he can wake up early since he goes to bed before the sun goes down.  Which here during the summer is around the same time as dinner gets over with.  But that doesn't mean he has to share his liveliness with all of us.  I mean, he's retired, it's not like there's anything pressing he needs to get too, why not sleep in? 

Much like a real troll as well, it's hard taking him out into public without having him embarrass someone.  No Grandpa, not every rich establishment is ran by a Jew, and not every guy wants to meet your single daughter (aka MY MOM).  OK it can be hilarious, but as he heads back to his retirement community that contains probably more sex than most college campuses, I'll just be glad that it's in a different state.

We're at the point in the Troll Bible that there's more than just a few people living on the Earth, and therefore one person eating a cursed apple won't end up pissing off God and ruining everything for everybody.

This chapter of the Troll Bible is the Book of Numbers.   Which luckily has nothing to do with math, which is good, or else I might have to say bad things about it.

So Moses and his followers are sick of running around the desert, so they decide to start heading towards the promised land of, milk, honey, rainbows, and ponies.  Except that people are living there.  People who don't share the same religious beliefs.  While the Bible says to respect your neighbor or something, that doesn't count if they are living on top of your holy land, or even more if they are heathens who worship false gods..  So they make an army and decide to go and kill them all.

However their recon teams were horrible and probably intoxicated, and along with the milk and honey, they said they also saw giants.  Which made them quake in their sacrificed-goat-skin boots.  Refusing to fight to death for their religion which also made them wander the desert for 40 years, smites them.  After that, they aren't even let into the promised land, so they settle for a slightly less rainbow-y area.

Someone thought I was interesting enough to interview!  Go read it!

For all you new readers (as well as the old ones, I love you too) I made a video especially for this occasion.  Ok, actually I made this about a week ago, but I'm posting it today for you. I don’t really have any real planning skills like that. In high school, I didn’t know what I was going to do after I graduated. And now that I’m in that “after high school” stage (college) I don’t know what decisions I will make in order to find the same path of death and taxes that everyone else finds.  But as for the video, let's just say it's out of this world.

The funny thing is trying to find quirky music to go with videos like this.  It's harder than it sounds.

Feel free to check out my other video at my YouTube channel!

Today is Friday, and this is another episode of "People getting strange messages from unknown sources."

Leviticus:
Leviticus talks much of sacrifice.  Sacrifice is a big part of religion.  The Aztec sacrificed the hearts of their enemies to their gods.  Priests and Nuns sacrifice their sexual organs in order to be pure.  P.E. classes sacrifice their weakest in order to bring laughter to the rest.  And Christians sacrifice goats.

Goats, such horrible smelly creatures.  But will spilling their blood really appease God?  Maybe God really hates goats as well.  Goats are unclean, as it is said.  And being unclean leads to the dark side going to hell.  Masturbating?  You are unclean.  Giving birth to children?  You are unclean.  Eating certain types of meat?  You are most likely unclean.  Does that mean that I am as well unclean?  Well even though I just took a shower, yes.  But nothing that can't be fixed with some good old fashioned goat slaughter. (Helpful hint- when Jehovah's Witness come to the door, make sure to yell into the next room to not let the goat escape from the altar.  It makes them leave pretty quick.)

I speak like 4 languages, including English. But I still like talking like a retard, even in my native language, when I know better.

This MFer knows.

Why is shit grammar so fun?  Because this is the internet, ruled by cats who would probably make Webster turn in his grave.  But if you are one of the lowlifes like myself who has never read his book (the dictionary) all the way from A to Z (Most people lose interest around Czar) you probably find this shit funny as hell.

Maybe it's just because "sharded barf" sounds like something I would use to describe some of my mother's cooking.

Now you might be saying "I don't do that, I like to be proper, here on the internet, I speak the Queen's English."  Well that's just jolly now, isn't it.  But you know if the Queen ever started using the internet, she would instantly revert to using "lol."

I think without the internet I would talk better.  I would actually have to try and laugh, and actually make it audible (because who really lols when they lol.)  I would probably use "oh my god" less, just because I wouldn't have a convenient abbreviation.  I might start using something like "oh my science" or "oh my logical reasoning."

To be honest, I really don’t know what happens after Genesis- I assume that’s when the brain washing starts, but that makes for bad writing. From here on, I’ll just make up my own story for the most part, and add any names that ring a bell.

Exodus:
Setting: Egypt.

The desert is hot. The Pharaoh's balls became sweaty, and this pissed him off so he enslaved the lesser people, those who did not wish to partake in the porky goodness that is bacon, aka, the Jewish people. (I say Jew'ish' because there wasn't that much distinction between religions back then.) Anyways, he make them the slaves to help build pyramids and stuff.

Their leader, Moses, was a pretty cool guy, and he didn't afraid of the Pharaoh. He called upon God to make the skies rain snakes and beetles and stuff, and this freaked the Pharaoh out, and he was all like "Gtfo, we don't need yo snake rain. I didn't want a Pyramid anyways." And so Moses and his people left, but just as they were about to leave, the Pharaoh was all like "jk lol" and tried to push them into the Red Sea, but little did they know that Moses was also a waterbender, and he totally parted that shit. Then all the Egyptians drowned.

On the other side of the Red Sea was desert. No, not dessert. Anyways, there was lots of desert. They didn't have a GPS or anything, so they pretty much walked around in the desert for a long ass time. Along the way, they found a mountain, and Moses climbed it for the hell of it. There, God was all like "Here, take these, these are some rules I want you to follow." And even though the rules were BS like "no killing each other" they went along with it.

So after a long while of not taking directions from their women, they finally reached the promised land. And then they started drilling for oil, the end.

I'm not really religious, so I haven't read much of the Bible.  I like fiction and all, but the whole "god" think really gets me.  But it got me thinking; I could probably write it much better and have it be more interesting.  So I did.

Chapter 1: Neon Genesis

Once upon a time, there was this guy named God.  He liked Minecraft a lot, so he made the Earth.  But it was empty, so he made a mod to add people and animals.  The first guy he made was called Adam.  But Adam was forever alone, naked out in the garden of Eden with nothing but animals. 

Before being forced to turn to bestiality, God decided to make him a mate.  He took one of Adams ribs and made a creature called "woman."  Adam was all like "I got that bitch a rib.  Bitches love ribs."  But even having a piece of Adam's body was not enough for this woman named Eve.  She decided to redecorate the garden, and make Adam wear some clothes, as well as make him eat right, with plenty of fruits and vegetables (including apples, which got them kicked out, stupid bitch.)

Being kicked out of the Garden, they had nothing really to do but have sex and make babies.  Over 400 babies.  One of them killed another one, but they still had a lot.  Somehow they continued reproducing without incest- they lived a long time back then, they could have had time to learn how to clone or human transmutate via rib bones or something.  Fun fact: back then, everyone had 54 ribs each.  But after many generations of remaking people they ended up with much less.  (If only they had gone on a little bit longer self fellation could be possible for more people.)  Did I say they had sex?  No no, there's no sex in the Bible, that's a sin. 

I'm kind of a wordly person. I can go rampaging around the internets all I want, but if I add to the destruction of the planet, there will be no one left to troll. That's why I care about things like Economics and the environment. I took ap econ in high school, and even thought I got a D in it, I think I learned a thing or two about economics. Take this for example.

I have both a fan and a space heater. Sometimes the heater gets too hot, so I turn on my fan to cool it down. Why not just turn off the heater? Energy. N-R-G. The more energy I use, the more my mom pays, and the more electricity the power companies have to generate- energy doesn’t come from magic like most roll-around-in-the-compost-pile type environmentalist people think. More money in the system and more jobs equals a more secure economy.

And while we’re on the topic of environmentalism, I thought I would tell you about my idea for global warming. Summer is right around the corner (unless you live in upside down world like Australia, then it would be winter.) The heat is coming soon. So why not try to cool down the environment? I suggest all of you out there open up your windows and turn on your air conditioners full blast in order to combat the earth warming up. It might even help to push us away from the sun (or closer, which is bad, in a skin bubbling sort of way). But if that happens it just gives companies better incentive to make stronger AC's. Now get to work.

I just came back from a movie and now I have to watch even more stuff, like YouTube videos. It never ends, does it? Here's a product of Japan that I know you all will love (no, it's not like last week's box that closes it itself).

(Skip to 3:05 for the best part.)
I think a cumshot is a little past second base though... freaking second base man...

This second one, however, is something even better than humping various sports equipment.

Hah, I bet you guys tried to click on it. Suckers.  I was actually too lazy to find a second video because all of my history was filled with Minecraft videos and how to make my hair look like an anime character's.  But I got to pull this out.

OK, now raise your hand if you've been abducted by raptor Jesus yet.  Ya, didn't think so. 

I know god.  He's a pretty cool guy.  He's also an excellent troll.

He wouldn't just make the day that he comes in and destroyes everything Sim-City style obvious.  It's completely of the work of the religious fanatics and their Christian Science, reading the stars or ancient Mayan Calendars or whatever, trying to predict when it's all going to end.  Don't you have anything better to do like, I don't know, help people?  Meanwhile, God is looking down at us laughing at all the people scurrying around trying to make the best of their "last days."
The end of the world has happened lots of times before, even before people were around trying to predict it.
People used to believe lots of things would bring about destruction to this world- same sex marriages, gambling and prostitution, but then people learned better.. oh wait.  Until a meteor makes a steaming hole in my lawn, I'll be here... doing all the regular stuff I do.  Oh ya, Minecraft.