You say 'there's no sex in the bible, that's a sin and therefore shouldn't be there. Also, you're going to hell for talking about it, and because you touch yourself at night.' Well, that's wrong- I touch myself all throughout the day. And if I went to church, I would probably be touching myself there too.
But really, there is sex in the bible. Except with Mary and Joseph. Sucks for him. But for people like Adam and Eve, who were just basically naked in a garden paradise all day, probably didn't even have anything better to do. And they probably hadn't even invented marriage yet. I don't remember what the Bible says about pre-marital sex (something about it being a sin) but I know what it considers 'marriage' is pretty loose.
Yes, sodomy (buttsecks for you middle-schoolers out there) was invented in the Bible. Or at least it turned into some taboo because other people didn't want their town destroyed because it was 'that time of the month' for their wives and they still wanted to get some so they stuck it in the back door. No biggie. Leave it to the Bible to ruin modern man's fun.
While we're on the topic of thing that have been around for long ass times, let's talk about whores. Whoring is one of the oldest jobs in existence, even older than 'wiping grandpas ass.' What, you didn't have to do that as kids?
Even Jesus had a friend who was a whore. And he loved her like the cool dude he was. He could see her golden heart underneath all those biblical age STDs. When she was bathing his feet in perfume, he probably even looked her in the eyes.
Eventually, this ancient job of sleeping with rich, ugly men, got an upgrade called the "video camera." and thus porn was born.