How to Attack the Ground with Your Face (And Win)

[Note: this is best attempted with the ground being made of snow.]

They say that to fly you have to jump at the ground and miss. Well we're not trying to fly here, are we? This is a classic example of "learning the hard way." Learning what, you say? Snowboarding.

Anyone can strap their feet to something and flail around, but it takes special conditions in order to not look like an idiot. Or get seriously injured. Snowboarding is fun that way, but you can still have both, probably at the same time. But like a facepalm, you've got to do it hard, or else it won't work.

And that's how you win.  As long as you're not dead, you can pick yourself up again and do it better next time.   Or go and cry about it, you little bitch.

On the other hand, attacking the ground with your butt isn't so great.  You tend to do this a lot while learning snowboard.  Your butt will be sore.  On a scale of 1 to 'surprise anal butt-sex', it would probably be closer to the last one.   The feeling of snow rushing up your backside is also similar to that of a cold prison shower, with conveniently placed soap.  Not that I've ever been to prison...

It Came from Youtube

Do you like the feeling of screaming your head off until you pass out, then wake up with a sore throat and a brain hemorrhage?  If so, then this video is for you!

I've watched this at least 20 times already, and it is equally funny. If anyone can figure out what creeper-mom says at :39, feel free to let me know.

And while we're on the topic of off-topic, here's this.

Wow, I don't remember this much profanity or distorted baselines in any of the Zelda music.

Troll Battle

Trolls.  Everyone has raged at them before, but few actually have seen one.  [Probably because they never leave their caves.]  The truth is, trolls can take on two forms.  Both are equally trolly, but they leave a different impression.

Here is the "Troll Face" that most people are familiar with:

The teeth, the mischievous look.  How very troll-like. HOWEVER.  I don't like to say this a proper troll face.  This is what a real troll looks like:
You know why he's successful?  Because he is way better than Mr. Troll Face up there. 

The troll face is a poser.  Like any good hipster, Mr. Green was a troll before trolling was cool.
This is the real identity of the "Troll Face."  Mr. Cool Face.  'Problem?' guy.  Not the Troll Man.  This face says "I'm a jerk, I'm gonna fuck up everything you love then laugh about it."  At the same time, The guy with the horns is all over here, playing pranks with the guys, then all laughing together about it.
That's right, the lovable troll.  So tell me, which side do you want to be on?


Facebook is probably one of the worst time wasters for me, almost as bad as Minecraft.  I never really post though, that would probably lead me into social interactions, which would probably be awkward.  I just kind of scroll down though the news, seeing what people are doing, what people are still alive, what people may have died, who broke up or who hooked up with who, or what people like.

The last bit seems the most mundane, but people seem to like the wierdest things (like mushrooms, which I still remain firm on, no matter what people say.)

"That Awkward moment when..."
Wait, you like awkward moments?   Sure, you could be an exhibitionist troll, but if you suddenly get giddy when the conversation suddenly drops, you need some help.  Unless you're talking to someone you don't want to.  Then you can run out of there at full speed. 

Whats worse is the fact that you can like people's posts about them doing boring shit during their day. 
"I just took the hugest poop"
"I just broke up with my girlfriend."

Trolling quota for the day: completed.  Now, if they only had a dislike button.

4chan Friday

Today is Friday, and since I didn't spend my day trying to figure out which seat to pick, I was able to just be lazy the whole day and browse 4chan. This is what I found.

/sci/ Stands for Math & Science, basically everything that pretty much makes no sense to me. Math has lots of numbers and stuff, which I really don't like. I know the entirety of Hiragana and Katakana by heart, but I really don't know shit about deriving or anything. It's all Greek to me. Until I actually go out and learn Greek, at which point it's something else. Probably Klingon.

Don't even get me started on Science. The only thing I know about science is the fact that it works a lot better than religion.

Torrents, or /t/ is the best way to get anything.  Porn, free software and games, viruses, you name it.   Except on 4chan.  Sadly, one rule of /t/ in no warez, in other words software. That’s right, no pirates here. You’re better off heading over to a certain site that might get me into some trouble if I mentioned it, but I assure you it's on the high seas.  However, what this means that it is actually one of the safer boards to be on, being that you won’t be getting any surprise visits from the FBI.  And now that I have a ton of red-flags here in my post, it's time to set up the tinfoil. 

Rants About Nothing

I don't normally do rants, but these are kind of random and offbeat, so what the hell. Besides, a guys' got to let off some steam sometimes.

Paper or Plastic
Paper or Plastic? Hmm, let's see, how about paper. Screw plastic bags. But don't you want to save any trees? Trees? What about plastic? How bout save a plastic tree? None of those huh? Plastic is a petroleum byproduct, the same petroleum that goes into the gas that you're paying 4 freaking dollars for. Trees? Fuck trees. Trees grow back. Oil and petroleum take millions of years to come back. If I killed you right now and buried your body, it would still take me over 9000 lifetimes to wait for your body to rot and get buried deep down in the god-damn earth and get turned into some black shit so later I can come and pump it up and make lots of money off of it.

Whoa whoa what is this rubbery shit on my pizza. Mushrooms? Get this out of here. They're not animals. They're not vegetables. They're not even on the food pyramid. Why would I eat something that isn't even included on a list of stuff I should put in my body. Mushrooms take dead stuff and eat it. They're worse than zombies. You know what I call things that eat only dead stuff? Lazy. If you can't kill something yourself, you're better off getting eaten yourself... oh wait.

There, now I feel all better.

It Came from Youtube

They say passive aggressiveness never really gets you anywhere. But it also guarantees that you won’t get your face beat in, you little punk-ass bitch. That being said, when you come across someone you can't help but butt heads with, it's better to take the passive approach in hopes that you might actually gain their favor, and not their rage. Like this.

As long as there are hot girls out there that can get away with being horrible, and there are still passive-aggressive guys out there with shriveled-up man berries (me being one of them), scenes like this will exist. Please don't hurt me.

I was trying to find another video for tonight, but I was to busy replaying this over and over. I don't usually post music for this segment, but this is just that catchy.

I had an English teacher once in middle school who loved to listen to Barbra Streisand. Maybe if this type of music was around when I was in middle school I would have payed attention more. Or I would have started taking lsd.

The Anime Troll

The only thing I do more than troll the internet is watch anime.  And troll the anime board on 4chan.  But that isn't the only place anime trolls hang out.  No, sometimes, they're in the anime themselves.  A stat that I made up just now says that whenever there is a group of 3 or more people, at least one of them is a troll.  This even applies to Japan (or Soul Society, or outer space, or in some hole somewhere.)  Wherever there is someone that could be pissed off, there is someone that will piss them off.

One of the anime characters I consider the greatest anime troll of all time is Sosuke Aizen from Bleach.  The fact that he's in one of the Big Three anime is enough to piss on at least one third of /a/ already, but that isn't the point. Look at this picture first.

Just look at him.  He has not just one, but two popped collars.  Total douche material.  Also, not featured in the picture is him wearing socks with sandals.  Oh ya, he also killed a bunch of people after betraying them, but they're really pissed about the socks.  [Oh wait, did I say he killed people, I forgot that nobody dies in Bleach because of plot armor.  Forgive me.]

His sword, much like a gif of bouncing breasts, makes you fall under complete hypnosis and makes you believe you are doing things that you actually aren't (like studying for a test tomorrow).  Not only that, he embeds a gem inside of his chest which is basically a deus ex machina machine, making him into more of a troll, and that much harder to kill just when he is about to di... be defeated.    "I know I've said it before, but you know you can't beat me because I'm like already this much better than you."

Secret code for "Troll"
I think he takes after the writer a bit...

Thirst Quencher

I got thirsty again. Really thirsty. It was also raining.

The Troll Cave Video Blog: now with less violence and more fanservice.  I know all my fan girls will be having a nerd-gasm out there.

You know a funny thing about salt, it causes you to retain water. I probably weigh a couple of extra pounds now because of it. And now I have this:

Prepare for sunflower seed binge.
Which is why we didn't add anything like Propel because of the extra salt.  Also it's not real water.  It's more like sugar water, much like McDonald's Iced Tea.  And we didn't want to buy anything.  Yes, this movie's budget was zero.  Well, except for my water bill...

4chan Friday

It's Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday/Everybody's Looking forward to the weekend.

Haha, just kidding, Friday is for 4chan.  If we replaced every tweener girl who somehow became famous despite not having any musical talent with a /b/tard, the world would be so much better.  On a semi-related note, we have more porn and giant robots.  No giant robot porn though.

/gif/ is one of those misleading ones.  No, it actually has gifs, but one would think that they would be more... innocent.  Like this.

*Haruhi poke*

Except that Gif is mostly filled with porn.  Because watching the same few frames over and over again is so much better than watching a whole movie.  Most of the time it's not even the money shot.  What is wrong with people nowadays. 

Now, who likes big robots?  I guess the guys on /m/ do, since it is the Mecha board.  Unless by mecha they mean big mechanical penises.  Then they can head to /gif/.

Mecha are really big in Japan actually.  And not just because Japanese people are equally small.  Ever since the days of series like Gundam, people have loved really big robots that destroy shit.  They even made a life-size model of one (which happened to be knocked down by the earthquake, where is your savior now, Japan?)

I kind of like the various cockpit designs, it's interesting seeing the various ways that they are controlled and so on.  Mechs can be controlled in ways that range from mashing a huge panel of buttons, connecting to your brain and nervous system, or just screaming really loudly while yanking around a couple of ambiguous looking handles.  Nevertheless, it seems to work just fine anyways...

Alien Sharks

So I was rolling this idea around in my head for a movie script for a while. I can assure you it will be among the great movies of our generation, like "Ice Spiders" and "Yoyo Cop Girl."

So the movie starts, and there's like all these scientists on Mars, shitting themselves cause they found fresh water and stuff. (It was hiding behind a rock the whole time).

So then Dwayne Johnson comes in, because when you cast The Rock, you know there's either going to be shit going down, or lots of little kids.  And there's no kids on Mars.  So they're all drilling through the surface into this big underground cave full of water, when all of a sudden, they see these fins moving around the surface.

Instead of doing a precise, scientific probing of the area first, they send in the Space Helicopter to fly down right next to the water and look at it.  That's when all shit breaks lose.  You see, these sharks, they can jump abnormally high because of the weird gravity or something (still working on this part) and they like bite the chopper in half, causing it to explode and shit, which draws the rest of the space sharks into the area.
Don't worry, this was only filled with extras.
Moving along a bit, they find out that the space sharks are actually Nazi space sharks, after they find a remnant of the German Space program at the bottom of the underground lake while diving down in a submarine trying to plant a nuke.  However, a few of the sharks remain from that very first generation when the German space astronaut scientist dudes brought them over, and their lazer eyes blow up the nuke before everyone can escape.  This causes Mars to drop out of orbit towards the Earth. (Bum bum bum)

The Rock, who barely managed to escape, watches the planet as it falls towards Earth, and is forced to figure out a plan to save the day.  He suddenly realizes that he has the ability to talk to sharks, due to the Martian radiation, and uses this new found power to unify the sharks, and has them all swim out into space, pulling Mars back into its proper orbit, and saving the Earth.

Now give me my 50 million dollars.

It Came from Youtube

I really hate math. I was never really good at it. I'm also equally bad at drawing. However, I think that some teachers have a little troll in them. Which pleases me, ever so slightly. They try to tell you that you can find the sum of infinity. Don't tell me that, even I know that's impossible. Or is it?

I really dislike people who make me want to do stuff like math that I hate by making it look interesting. It really takes a lot to motivate me. But somehow it happens. Like here.

This makes me want to pick up my saxophone again and learn this lick so I can do this exact thing. Apparently I've already been deemed sexy, so it works. Don't worry, I'll film it for your entertainment like always...

For those of you who are interested, a new (better) version of the stop motion sequence from the Epic Drink Time video is up here!

The Hollywood Effect

As you can probably guess, I'm a fan of video editing. You can make things appear totally different- there's plenty of filters out there to make things appear different than they actually are. For instance, in my last video, I had to tone down my sexiness a bit just so people won't fall in love with me. Some things are to be desired though, which is why I came up with a few new filters that you could use to make things appear awesome:

The Michael Bay Effect: Explosions. Explosions everywhere.

The Gainax Effect: All female characters breast's grow to twice their size, and proceed to jiggle at random times for no apparent reason.

The Peter Jackson Effect: All characters seem smaller and have pointed ears.

The Tite Kubo Effect: All backgrounds disappear and get replaced by white pillars and lines.
I guess it's called Bleach for a reason.
The Inception Filter: Dramatic music starts at random times, the camera randomly tilts and shakes, and it randomly zooms to closeups on people's faces. 

Troll Man on Fashion

Now that I have (am stealing/borrowing) a webcam from a friend, I thought I would make some more video blogs featuring: me! I guess you could call this one a visual representation of this post.

I would say I'm a pretty fashionable, right? Right....?

So far, my friend hasn't commented about me giving back his camera, so until that time, I'll keep making videos like this.

4chan Friday

Well, since today isn't my birthday, I guess 4chan Friday will do.  Can't buy $15 worth of drinks every week to make Epic Drink Time.

If you haven't been under a rock for the last 24 hours, you should know that a huge earthquake + wave hit Japan, the first step towards end of the world.  I just hope I can finish this 4chan Friday series before that happens.  So, in light of what's happening over there, I'm doing /jp/.

/jp/ actually stands for "Otaku Culture", and not Japan (much like how /ck/ stands for cooking and not cocks).  But I figure Japan is mostly Otakus anyways, so it works out.  I think the question on everyone's mind right now is, when Japan sinks, how do we get our moé? Other anime too.

What about Pakistani animes?
Japan is also rich with different types of Transportation.  Except now their airports and subways are under water, and to tell you the truth, riding a bike through a massive puddle sucks as well.  But /n/, or Transportation, has that covered.  Kind of.
 Japan is an island country, get over it.  They have boats.  At least it wasn't Godzilla this time.

My Face

My Face
Mon Visage
Meine Gesicht
Watashi no Kao

Now matter how you say it, it means the same thing. LOOK AT IT. (つ゚Д゚)つ

Actually, you can't see my face right now, but you know what it looks like thanks to my video blog. Which scares me a bit. If you happen to see someone that looks like it could possibly be me, please don't run up yelling "OH my god, you're the Troll Man, can I have your autograph?!?!" Chances are it won't be me. You should know by now that I don't go out.

Looking at one's face can tell you a lot about them. Not just by how many chins they have, or how bloodshot their eyes are either. That's why reaction faces work so well. Why say something when you can just post a picture mocking them instead?

This is you at every social interaction ever.  Hint: They're not laughing with you.
 Some reaction faces are obvious:
Others are less so:
I'm guessing this one is somewhere in between "I just thought of something funny" and "I just farted."
Others need no explanation.
And that, my friends, is the beauty of body language.  Even if you are misinterpreted, you know they will get an equally excellent message.

It Came from Youtube

Those of you who actually check into the Troll Cave on a daily basis (which is probably few of you) probably noticed that the Epic Drink Time video which was supposed to be uploaded on the day of my birthday was kind of late. Actually almost a whole day late. Partially it's the fault of my mom and my friends... scratch that, her friends that she stole from me ended up talking for hours, taking up precious editing/rendering/uploading time.  Believe me, rendering takes a long time, especially when you have several hundred clips to stitch together, or if you happen to have a bunch of guns and cars edited into your video.

But I guess it turned out good.

And just to pretend that I'm in with the times, and have been paying attention to all the Charlie Sheen stuff, here's a video.


One man's trash is another man's treasure.  Unless it's so trashy that you just want it gone.  If you have to pay someone just to get rid of it, it pretty much means that it's beyond all hope.  (Until you see the person who took it selling for twice the price.)

When I'm not on Craigslist looking for casual sex... err platonic meet ups, I take a look at the "free stuff" section to see what potential treasures are out there.  Sadly, most of it is trash, but not just any trash.  Oh no.  I think the best way to describe some of this is "where did you get this, why do you still have it, and what do you want me to do with it?"

It says it's new, but that brings about two possible questions; one, where would you get one sans-chair, or better yet, why would you destroy a new chair just to get the recliner mechanism that you would later give away?

This next one makes me wonder:

What the hell is a homie?  I know that most people on craigslist have absolutely horrible spelling, but I really can't think of anything that would even make sense for a correct spelling.  I know I'm a cheapo sometimes, but I wouldn't go as far as selling my friends just to make a quick buck. 

Along with something like underwear, one thing I would never consider selling or buying used is a toilet (or 2).
"in tackt"
Yes, thank you for the pictures, because I have no idea what a toilet looks like.  But then again, if you are buying them, you might not have any in the first place to compare to.  I hate going to the bathroom in public, or even in other people's houses, but I would be wary even using one of these in my own house.  I mean, they didn't even clean them!  Once your butt touches something, you pretty much claim ownership of it.

More to come!


I'm beginning to think that I have a strange ability for deduction. Not quite Sherlock Holmes, but it's pretty good. For instance, talking on Skype with my friend, I heard the faint sound of a can opening. Knowing his parents were having a party, along with their drink preferences, I quickly said "How's that coke?" After making sure his webcam was unplugged, he asked me suspiciously how I knew.  Long story short, brix were shat.  Slowly though, I think this ability is leaking into the electronics.

I often turn on shuffle when I'm bored of listening to one song over and over, but some of these times I think my Ipod will pick, out of over 700 songs, the perfect one just right for the current situation I'm in. For instance,  had Jury Duty a couple of months ago (which I wanted to Troll the hell out of, but didn't for fear of being locked up; can't blog from prison.) and during the long-ass breaks, I would listen to my Ipod. We were asked to stay Impartial, but after "Testify" by Rage Against the Machine and "Justice in Murder" by Coheed and Cambria started playing, I kind of forgot about the whole impartiality part.

Damn you Apple!
Today I ended up going snowboarding, and what would you know, it did it again.  Just to name a few:
Winter- B-Complex
Snow (Hey Oh)- Red Hot Chili Peppers
So Cold- Breaking Benjamin.

Somehow, during my weight training class, this even happens too, though walking on the treadmill to the beat of Daft Punk is pretty awesome.

Troll Man's Birthday

We interrupt your regularly scheduled 4chan Friday to inform you that it is infact my birthday (Woo Fuck Yeah!). Today, instead of lurking 4chan like I usually do on a Friday Night, I gathered up some friends. Here's what we did.

(Sorry for the late upload, everything that could go wrong DID.)
And then we all died to caffeine induced heart attacks.

Turning twenty means I'm not a teenager anymore. It also means people will want to pay attention to me, which I could care less for. No, that's not just me passive-aggressively telling people to buy me stuff. I don't do passive aggressive well.

And Out it Comes

Here at the Troll Cave ( I can't even count how many times I've used that to open a post) I like to keep a regular posting schedule.  This means that some nights I don't have the faintest idea about what I'm going to write about, and I've already pulled the wallpaper card .  It's almost literally like pulling it out of my ass.  [This would be one of those posts.]  And while showing you pictures of my fecal matter spelling out titles for blog posts would be great for shock value, this isn't /b/ so I actually have to come up with a second half for this post to entertain you. 

I guess I could try something like "Automatic Blog Post Generator" that I found over at Anonymouse Blog, especially since none of my friends want to write a guest post for me.  However, I think people would recognize a huge change in my writing style.  I'm pretty sure the fact that they all end the same way wouldn't go unnoticed either.  Then again, I do tend to say the same things over and over again (look at the first sentence).

I could probably make a pretty good post by chopping up several old posts then stitching them together in a hilarious way.  It's kind of like the Tweetmixer, which you can use to do the same thing for your tweets.  I'm just afriad that some people might take these fabricated tweets the wrong way:

Wow it's already friday what did I do all week? Oh ya, I'm just a lesbian.
Ok, so I like women, but I don't think that necessarily makes me a lesbian, especially since I have a penis...