Douche Meter

If you go to college like me, or just tend to walk around areas with a lot of people, chances are that you're going to meet up with a douchebag. And when you do, you know it instantly.

However, not every douchebag is on the same level of douchiness. With some things you can immediately tag someone as a douche, while other things may just be annoying. Some will effect your douche rating greatly, while other do not.

1 Point:
  • Unshavenness. If you have stubble, but with no plans to let it grow out, you're just being lazy, but not very douchy. On the other hand, if you want to grow it into a goatee or a soul patch, then you might want to keep reading...
  • Energy Drinks. Just because you're drinking a Rockstar, doesn't mean you are one. But hey, some people like the taste. Plus there's all the "energy" to help you do work, such as browsing Myspace.
Rev up the douchemobile.
 2 Points:
  • Sports Apparel. You're wearing your high school football jacket? And when did you graduate? Three years ago you say? Well I guess changing into that polo shirt so you can pop your collar isn't any better...
  • Other Douchwear. Really, can you see anything out of those glasses? You know it's dark outside right? And no, nobody wants to call you, so put away the bluetooth headset. 
 3 Points:
  • Spray on tan. I don't know what planet you're from, but here on Earth you turn brown after sitting outside. Maybe if you spent less time spiking your hair maybe you could go outside and try to tan the real way. 
  • Acting Like a Douche.  "Sup guys, you wanna get some beers?  You're not 21?  What are you, chicken?  Don't be a little bitch."
 So what rank are you?
  • 0-3 Points- Not very douchy, you're a decent person.
  • 4-7 Points- You look like a fool, but you still have friends.
  • 8-10 Points- Pretty Douchy.  Nobody wants to hang out with you.
  • 11-12 Points- Congratulations, you can now legally change your name to Chad.  Chad as in "Oh shit guys, it's Chad. I think he's distracted, he must be talking to some bimbo on his bluetooth. Is he looking at us? I can't tell, those lenses are mirrored. Let's leave before he sees us!" 

1 Response to "Douche Meter"

  1. Emzy August 31, 2010 at 11:25 PM
    I like this post all the way around.

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