Hello kids, come have a seat on Santa's Lap while I tell you a tale, a tale of much lols, and just as much rage.  Yes, it is the story of how the Troll Stole Christmas.

Now the troll had lived in his cave his entire life, below the streets of the happy town called Fourchan.  Every year, the troll noticed around the same time, the happy folks of Fourchan would stop their newfaggery and hostility towards each other, and celebrate.  Celebrate what, the troll did not know. 

One year, the troll ventured out of his cave to look upon the happy residents of Fourchan, and what he saw amazed him.  Sparkling and glimmering original content was everywhere, completely different than what the troll had seen in times past.  He knew what he had to do, he had to ruin it.  Ruin it all, and for everyone.

Late that night, he snuck out of the cave, supplies in hand, in order to refurbish the town in his own image. When the villagers of Fourchan awoke the next morning, they had some original content of their own to deal with.

In each stocking was put not a present, nor coal, but a large pile of excrement.  Now if you are in prison, a large sock full of human refuse will make very convenient and effective weapon, however waking up Christmas morning to a steaming package hanging from your fireplace does not make for a happy day.  But that was not all the troll had set up.

Upon the first present unwrapping, the villagers found yet another layer of wrapping, then another.  After the last layer, a box, covered in nothing but duct tape was discovered.  After using all of their might to open it, yet another box was found nesting inside.

The troll had one last trick up his sleeve.  Open cooking their Christmas dinners, the villagers stumbled upon the final surprise.  The turkeys were all made out of soy.  As the troll laughed away in his cave deep below the town, he started to hear the villagers chanting.  It was low at first, but kept growing until it reached immense proportions.  The troll had head it before, its pleasant sound meeting his ears: "FUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

And that, my little ones, is the story of how the troll ruined Christmas for everyone.  Now before you go, I must let you in on a little secret your parents might not have let you in on: SANTA ISN'T REAL. But here's something that is sure to cheer you up!

And a happy new year!