So you're looking for some porn on whatever porn site you like to go into private browsing for, and you're not sure what to choose from the countless previews pasted on your screen like pubic hair on a Japanese woman.  Do you want Big Busty Broads getting Big Meat Wads?  Or do you want Attack of the Midget Strippers V?  Three Armed Titty Monsters from Neptune?  What about Reverse 69ing with  Peanut Butter?

It's funner than it sounds. (Via Cyanide and Happiness)

If you chose 2,3, or 4, you might have some weird fetishes.  Or you just want to figure out what it feels like to laugh and climax at the same time.  But you watched it, and it will be forever in your history or at least until you delete it right before relatives come over.

Oh yeah, this one gets the recycle bin,.

Don't be ashamed of these fetishes though, most people have them.  Take me for instance, I have a strange attraction to boobs.  It's like I feel a great joy (and arousal) when looking at them.  You might say "What the fuck man, that's horrible."  Well, as they say (and by 'they' I mean the voices in my head), one man's erection is another man's towel rack.  If you're into that stuff. 

Now, once again asking me absurd pointless questions, you say "What the fuck man, how is that even a fetish."  Well let me tell you, since the idea was created about 20 seconds ago in my head, it has since become a fetish due to the rules of the internet.  I can't help it, I didn't make them.  But because of this, someone is getting off to the thought of a man hanging his towel on another man's erect penis.  Think about that and try to sleep tonight.

One common popular area of porn interest is 'hentai,' or anime porn if you don't speak Fapanese.  Yes, some people prefer to look at badly drawn boobies rather than real ones.  Go figure.  Like I said, fetishes can be some backwards shit. Not saying that I don't enjoy pixels from time to time...

Never enough.

Hentai brings out a bunch of new fetishes, just because, well, it's easier just to draw whatever the heck comes into your head.  Tentacle rape?  Cat ears?  Little girls with giant melons?  Where do I sign up?  And will I have to register as a sex offender as well?  I don't think they'll let me near the school with that on my record...


And thus concludes porn/sex/penis/vulgarity/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit week.  Did anybody learn anything?  Probably not, because you're all to busy fapping to the idea of how great I am for taking my time to explain important stuff like this.  They don't teach this in school.  Not that I payed attention ever.

You say 'there's no sex in the bible, that's a sin and therefore shouldn't be there.  Also, you're going to hell for talking about it, and because you touch yourself at night.'  Well, that's wrong- I touch myself all throughout the day.  And if I went to church, I would probably be touching myself there too.

But really, there is sex in the bible.  Except with Mary and Joseph.  Sucks for him.  But for people like Adam and Eve, who were just basically naked in a garden paradise all day, probably didn't even have anything better to do.  And they probably hadn't even invented marriage yet.  I don't remember what the Bible says about pre-marital sex (something about it being a sin) but I know what it considers 'marriage' is pretty loose.

Back long before people complained about gays getting married, and even before Jesus was born to a women with an intact hymen, there was the town of Sodom.  Rings a bell doesn't it?

Yes, sodomy (buttsecks for you middle-schoolers out there) was invented in the Bible.  Or at least it turned into some taboo because other people didn't want their town destroyed because it was 'that time of the month' for their wives and they still wanted to get some so they stuck it in the back door.  No biggie.  Leave it to the Bible to ruin modern man's fun.

While we're on the topic of thing that have been around for long ass times, let's talk about whores.  Whoring is one of the oldest jobs in existence, even older than 'wiping grandpas ass.'  What, you didn't have to do that as kids? 

Even Jesus had a friend who was a whore.  And he loved her like the cool dude he was.  He could see her golden heart underneath all those biblical age STDs.  When she was bathing his feet in perfume, he probably even looked her in the eyes.

Eventually, this ancient job of sleeping with rich, ugly men, got an upgrade called the "video camera."  and thus porn was born.

For those of you watching porn right now (why are you reading this post?) the thing you're probably watching  for is genitals being put into other genitals (as well as other orifices.)  Personally I like seeing things like tan lines and navels, but those can only get you so far.  The real deal is stuff like this:

Not porn, but close.  Via also not pornblog.

For those of you who aren't up on science terms, I'll use the words "vagoo" and "pen0r" for now. If you are still unsure, just go watch some porn. You'll understand eventually.  So tell me, which one is your favorite?

My ex girlfriend always used to say she likes how 'girly bits' look better than 'manly bits'. I can generally agree, although some people may look at the female reproductive organ as some weird monster out of a B-movie.

ohm nom nom

Yes, not even my scheduled posts can escape porn week.  Now I know what you're sayin'.  Troll Man, Troll Man, I thought this was a family friendly site. You can't just go and be posting porn here. How will I explain to my kids why the pretty lady has no clothes and is being stabbed by some scary guy.

Do not worry, my fellow fapping friends. Looks can be deceiving, and though something may start out phallus-looking and horrible, it may just be your dirty minds playing tricks on you.


However while all of these aren't actually real, this next video is. Unlike all the fake shit that you see in the movies (both high budget and ones you buy over the phone using an alias in order to hide your identity.)
(Embedding disabled by request + Might be too bad [or good] for this blog [Pfffffffffffff]). Video here.

I was at work today, wondering about what I was going to post for the coming week. I thought about possibly making a journal of my job at the Movie Theater  (called 'The Popcorn Diaries.") but I said 'fuck it' and decided to tak about porn.

The coming week is now porn week.  Personally I like porn. Maybe too much.  I have a theory about my internet and why it's so slow.  I think my ISP just likes to kill my bandwidth at the middle of the night to discourage me from looking at it. But that just means I have to wait a little bit longer.  It's just like the old days when I was on my parent's computer with dial-up.

You might say "porn is bad, you're going to go blind and go to hell."  I wouldn't doubt the second one, but the first one is most likely false. I haven't needed to go the the eye doctor in quite some time now.  My palms are also completely hair free. Besides, I think there's plenty of other things on this blog that should make you worry more then some boobies or penises. 

So stay tunes for a racy week filled with things like these,  fetishes, anime porn, and much much more. 

Motivation takes many forms;  the only real kind being from already motivated individuals themselves, and not anti-social drudge from the internet.  So why am I talking about it?  Because I have indeed, experienced it.  Actually, not really.  I'm more of a self motivator, by way of "shit if I don't get this done my mom's gonna be all over me."  But I've seen plenty in anime.

Behind every wimpy little guy is a bad-ass motivating him.

Pictured: Wimp (top); Badass (bottom).

Look at this guy.  He's assured, of course, and why shouldn't he be?  He controls the freaking Super God Cannon.  Nothing goes wrong when you have a badass like him behind the controls, Mr. Wimp up top just doesn't understand.

So how do you make them understand?  You beat it into them.
Like Kamina, Gendo, or any other manly man that had to stand watch over a little sissy boy that would somehow eventually take charge and save the world, they smack sense into people.


Of course, in real life they bring up things like "child abuse" and "child services" but none of that shit matters in post-apocalyptic settings.  Children are of course the only way to save the world, after all.

I really don't know where I am in the Troll Bible, and since I was playing TF2 and forgetting that I had to do a post until now, I'll just skip ahead to something I know.  Psalms.  No, Jesus hasn't been born yet.

Psalms is like the musical section of the bible.  Musicals are good.  Except the ones of the High School type starring Zac Efron.  Luckily, religious poems and music aren't performed by awkward pubescent actors trying to break the stereotype that all teenage get-together's don't involve underage drinking and sex.

"This is me imitating my career and this movie."  *Flop*

The Poems in Psalms are interesting.  Not that I know many.  Is "Jingle Bells" one of them?  All I know is that they shouldn't rhyme, unless you happen to be reading it in the original Hebrew.  I had to learn poetry for my High School English class.  I had to figure out iambic pentameter was in order to make a pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables.  Not that any of that would make any difference if the poems were translated into another language.  So what we're left with is a series of messages in code that we're supposed to interpret.  Just like the rest of the Bible. 

I was listening to "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga today when I realized that I didn't understand any of it at all. At first I thought it was all in Spanish, but then I realized that there actually were English words hidden in between the repetitive baseline and Madame Insane saying the title of the song over and over again. Of course if I actually knew how to speak Spanish I would be able to tell whether people are talking about a person or a pepper. But it got me thinking, what have all the other languages that I have learned taught me?

French:
French is sexy. Trés, trés, sexy. I can pretty much make any girl's clothes disappear and have her all over my baguette. Which is the correct word- there is no such thing as "French Bread" in France. Bread goes a lot of meals in France, including breakfast, which isn't limited to just "Omlete du Fromage."  If you had a proper childhood you know what I'm talking about (Dexter's Lab).

German:
Don't try to spout Rammstein lyrics in public unless you want to get funny looks/slapped/arrested. If, while being carried off by the police after getting arrested, you happen to call them 'nazis' they will not take it well. Most of them still have a stigma about it. If you are getting talked to in German, don't assume they are mad, unless they are spitting vigorously. Guttural yelling generated a lot of saliva.

Spieeeellllll

Also, Schnitzel is neither a slang word for a male body part or even a sausage. It's more of a pork steak. Wienerschnitzel, on the other hand, is.

Japanese:
Japanese people don't just talk about Godzilla, how their teenage kids are off saving the world, or how they should combine violating someone while greeting them.  Japanese writing isn't just moon runes either, and is actually intelligible to many people.  It's actually a lot easier than it seems, much like colorful haired girls to guys with equally colorful and huge hair. 

Japanese is like one big metaphor.  No, not like a metaphore for tentacle rape, but for other words.  Like the word for 'today' is written with the characters for 'now' and 'day'.  If you memorize just the meanings of Kanji, you can figure out what might be written, even if you can't pronounce it.

Sexy, sexy, sexy.  Three adjectives you could use to describe me (if you're into that kind of stuff; stuff meaning sexy people like me.)  You know, I used to play saxophone.  Does that make me more sexy? 

Did I mention that it's 10 hours long? Put your adult diapers on, because you're bound to be wet all day from all this sexy.

And while I may listen to that for at least an hour or two, I wouldn't listen to this song for 2 seconds. Yes, the new Rebecca Black song. No, I won't post it. I'm not that horrible. Besides, this isn't called "It Came from Hell."

Old people are cool.  My grandpa was born and raised in the south, and was a sailor in the war, and pretty much has a vocabulary to match it. But when you get to that age, you pretty much are aloud to say whatever you want and get away with it.  Which is like me on the internet. 

This morning, while trying to catch up on sleep; spending the night on the floor of my living room after having my room commandeered by relatives, I was was waken by old, loud country music.  It was my grandpa.  And yes, it was early.  It's not like he's hard of hearing (or even senile), I think it was just his way of fucking with us and telling us to wake up.  At 8:00 am on a Sunday morning.

Sure, he can wake up early since he goes to bed before the sun goes down.  Which here during the summer is around the same time as dinner gets over with.  But that doesn't mean he has to share his liveliness with all of us.  I mean, he's retired, it's not like there's anything pressing he needs to get too, why not sleep in? 

Much like a real troll as well, it's hard taking him out into public without having him embarrass someone.  No Grandpa, not every rich establishment is ran by a Jew, and not every guy wants to meet your single daughter (aka MY MOM).  OK it can be hilarious, but as he heads back to his retirement community that contains probably more sex than most college campuses, I'll just be glad that it's in a different state.

Don't you hate it when you have family or other company over and you feel like you have to entertain them every waking minute of their stay?  Ya, I'm caught in the middle of that right now.

I promise there will be something good come tomorrow/Monday!

We're at the point in the Troll Bible that there's more than just a few people living on the Earth, and therefore one person eating a cursed apple won't end up pissing off God and ruining everything for everybody.

I've written about my car before, but this may be the last time. For those of you who haven't been paying attention to those times, it's a 1985 Chevy Blazer- older than me (for those of you who are good at math, you can probably guess my age- somewhere between 16 and 24.  Don't worry, I'm not jail bait for those who are interested.)

My car has various names- Old Sparky, or The Death Trap, and while nobody has died riding in it yet, I wouldn't say that it's not a possibility.  I mean, when the passenger door lock was broken and wouldn't let the door open would probably cause problems if there was like, I don't know, a fire or something and my passenger(s) couldn't escape.  But it didn't and that's what counts.

This could happen too.

Earlier this week it decided to take another crap on me, this time my ignition.  Unless I somehow figure out how to hot-wire it, I won't be going anywhere.  And since I'm going off to college at the end of the summer, this would be bad.  Being three hours away, it would suck being broken down in the middle of the mountains trying to get home (not that coming home to visit my mom interests me.)  So my mom and grandpa want me to get a new car.  But I love my car too much!

My car is like my friend, who I would also be leaving behind when I go off to college.  My friend and my car are pretty much exactly alike.  So it blows hot air and makes loud noises constantly, and has a tendency to just give up whenever, but my car has just as much sentimental value too.  It's like getting a new, quiet, clean running, fuel efficient, better looking (and probably Asian) friend that won't cost me a bunch of money in the future.  But it would just seem so weird getting to know someone new.  Oh ya, and you have to pay a shit ton for a good car.  Go figure.

The last installment (for now) of Harry Potter is coming out soon, and while I pirate the previous movies, the biggest question on everybody's minds is who's hotter, Luna Lovegood or Hermiony Granger.  But my vote is for this girl.


Personally I liked it when Emma Watson was still flat, but my preferences change depending on the day. Speaking of flat girls, wouldn't you be suspicious when you see a flat chest under without a face visible? That could be anybody. Like this guy.

To be honest, brown facial hair doesn't work with blonde hair.

I randomly looked through the spam folder in my email today, and among the offers for penis and breast enlargement, as well as a "$1000 Victoria's Secret Wardrobe Makeover," (Which to be honest, I think I would look stunning in, with lingerie replacing all of my regular clothing) I noticed some weird offers. 

Like a Walmart gift card.  Why Walmart?  Why me?  I know I'm pasty white, semi-low income, and am prone to spout horrible generalizations.  But how do the people Emailing me know this?  Is it because I say horrible self-incriminating statements on my blog like this?  Probably, but that doesn't mean that I have shopped or ever will shop at Walmart.  Not saying that I've never shopped there, but only to support our local Hispanic population- they have mouths to feed too.

Of course I didn't take the offer.  I mean really, why do I need a stupid gift card if they keep rolling back their prices?  Shouldn't they be free by now?

But what about all the other offers in my inbox?  What am I missing out on when I don't click on them?  Some Indian king really could have just died and left me a huge inheritance.  I could get a larger package or even a bigger rack (obviously not both, that would just look silly.) 

via

Heck, I might be the talk of the town on all these dating cites and Facebook!  I wouldn't say I'm one of the most popular people on the internet, but I'm up there with the Zuckerburgs and the uh... Al Gores.  I mean, he invented it, and I'm making it a better place.  I'm like his landscaper or something.  Except unlike a real landscaper I'm not Hispanic and I only get down and dirty in the virtual world.  Which is where it counts.  Real landscapers are going to be replaced by robots anyways.

Putting things inside of other things.  It all started with a "yo" and a "dawg."  But what does horrible spelling and animals have to do with the internet?  Just about everything.

Before Xzibit started putting cars inside other cars for the reason of being able to "drive while you drive," people were putting things in other things.  MC Escher- (most likely another musician, thus the MC), probable suffered from fevered dreams of things being combined in such ways that they fit perfectly.

I dreamed about a hand... drawing another hand, which was in turn drawing the first hand.  Man, I have to stop taking acid before bed...

A person inside of a person (that's called sex.)  A black person inside a KFC.  A Troll inside of a Cave.  All of these things are great, but Xzhibit showed us the joy of being able to do something while you do something else as well.



Then along came Inception.  Before, people were limited by size- you couldn't just go putting anything in anything.  Not everything defies the laws of physics like a women's purse or a tiny car full of Mexicans.  But in a dream, you can do anything, and as they say, "don't be afraid to dream bigger."

Or even dream deeper.  I don't know about you, but I find it hard to sleep at night.  But If I have time for one dream, that must mean I have enough time to dream unlimited dreams, right?  Would I want to exhaust my entire imagination's dream capacity in one night?  No, because then all the post ideas that come to me in my dreams would just go down the drain. 

Back in the real world, Inception and Xzhibit vie for superiority.  What's going in what?  Who goes where?  Who gets out or wakes up first?  Can you really drive while you drive?  If you have sex with someone who is pregnant and their baby is female, could you impregnate as well?  Nobody knows.

Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

This chapter of the Troll Bible is the Book of Numbers.   Which luckily has nothing to do with math, which is good, or else I might have to say bad things about it.

So Moses and his followers are sick of running around the desert, so they decide to start heading towards the promised land of, milk, honey, rainbows, and ponies.  Except that people are living there.  People who don't share the same religious beliefs.  While the Bible says to respect your neighbor or something, that doesn't count if they are living on top of your holy land, or even more if they are heathens who worship false gods..  So they make an army and decide to go and kill them all.

However their recon teams were horrible and probably intoxicated, and along with the milk and honey, they said they also saw giants.  Which made them quake in their sacrificed-goat-skin boots.  Refusing to fight to death for their religion which also made them wander the desert for 40 years, smites them.  After that, they aren't even let into the promised land, so they settle for a slightly less rainbow-y area.

Excuse my French, I have said something that people usually won't want to hear.  As in "You have a dentist appointment next week," which is swiftly followed by "Fuck fuck fuck I haven't been flossing."  And of course you haven't been flossing.  Nobody flosses.  It's probably a conspiracy.  The dentist will still ask you if you are anyways, and you have no choice but to answer "sometimes."

I went to the dentist today.  And no, I haven't been flossing.  I could say having things stuck into my mouth by a cute girl is fun, but I would be lying.  Flossing may make your gums bleed, but getting them jabbed with their alien prodding devices makes it look like you've been chewing glass.  I guess if I did actually floss my gums would be all scarred and bled-out so this wouldn't happen.  At least it isn't a week long mouth period like after I got my wisdom teeth out (which I even wrote about while I was still loopy from the pain killers.) I guess the horror stories of what happens when I don't floss aren't strong enough to stop me from forgetting what floss actually is.

Via

But hey, they floss for you after they're done cleaning your teeth, right?  Check one off the list!

Unfortunately after the flossing comes more jabbing, into your teeth, until they find that spot that you thought might have hurt one time but you weren't sure and you didn't want to go to the dentist so you ignored it.  And you feel it penetrate the tooth.  And you try not to flinch, because you know, they might have missed it.  But then they look at those X-Rays that may or may not have not given you tooth cancer or something which created these cavities in the first place, and there's like this one spot with a slightly different shade of grey- that little spot is a cavity.   Which is when you say to yourself "I should have flossed."

And for those of you who are wondering, they did find cavities.  Don't drink 2 liter bottles of Mt. Dew in one day, kids.

Here in America, it's the 4th of July-  celebrating the day we told off Britain and became our own country (take that, you limeys.)  Now I know not everyone has the pleasure of living in the greatest country in the world, but it's not like you can't celebrate our greatness with us.

Fireworks.  Big explody things that turn into balls of light when you fire them into the air.  Or into devices of mass murder when you fire them into the crowd.  It's just like the revolutionary war all over again. Except fireworks were invented in China- which is sort of patriotic in itself, since most of the things we buy here in America also come from China.  Hooray for outsourcing and capitalism!  We shoot of these fireworks here on the 4th, making sure all the countries around us can see our glory.  Then we continue to fire them off late into the night to show just how drunk we got having a great time.

But America isn't [all] about making the lesser man work for us.  It's about the people.  People like George Bush, Bill O'Reilly, Hugh Laurie, and of course, the common man.

Today when you grill your red meat and stuff your face with it, washing it down with a cold beer, make sure to remember the great people of this country- the Wallmart Greeter, the McDonald's cashier, your drug dealer, as well as all the others (except the janitor, because he is a Mexican here to take our jobs and ruin this great country.)

4chan has done a great many things to me. Turned me into a pedophile. Introduced me to furries. Showed me types of porn that I wouldn’t have known about, nor would want to, but made me like them anyways. Made me despise the human race as a whole. Sure, I can hide my power level, but on the inside, I know that rubbing against a little girl on the bus would probably get me going activate my paternal instincts.  Why is this?  Because I've spent way too much time on this site.

Check the left; that's me.

So I see someone get run over by a bus, with organs spread out like meat-butter on asphalt toast, and I don't even feel sick.  Does that mean I love gore?  No, it means that I am desensitized because of Hollywood and the video game industry.  [Hey, they work as scapegoats for all those kids who come to school and shoot their teachers.]  But how do you think I would create such funny original content on this blog if I didn't copy it all off the boards on 4chan?

Assuming that watching anime already doesn't make me a freak compared to the countries that aren't called "Japan", my anime viewing is less than normal.  4chan has pretty much ruined the way I look at anime as well.  I remember what I thought of all anime before I found /a/- "Holy crap, this is awesome."  But now I pick out the plot holes, lazy animation, and terrible acting.  I now see every single scene that could be exploited with pictures of penises drawn in, or sub titles that look horrible wrong taken out of context.

I can't watch anime without seeing scenes that can be mixed in with existing memes either.

POMF

Watching anime today:

Oh no little girl!  Watch out for the bed!  Don't go POMF!

As long as I can keep myself from yelling out memes or "The Game" I think people won't suspect me of being a full-time internet lurker.  If someone happens to let one slip, one can always go along with it- partners in crime are always welcome, and the normal folks around you will be none the wiser.  At least until they find a complete lack of social skills.

Someone thought I was interesting enough to interview!  Go read it!

For all you new readers (as well as the old ones, I love you too) I made a video especially for this occasion.  Ok, actually I made this about a week ago, but I'm posting it today for you. I don’t really have any real planning skills like that. In high school, I didn’t know what I was going to do after I graduated. And now that I’m in that “after high school” stage (college) I don’t know what decisions I will make in order to find the same path of death and taxes that everyone else finds.  But as for the video, let's just say it's out of this world.

The funny thing is trying to find quirky music to go with videos like this.  It's harder than it sounds.

Feel free to check out my other video at my YouTube channel!

Today is Friday, and this is another episode of "People getting strange messages from unknown sources."

Leviticus:
Leviticus talks much of sacrifice.  Sacrifice is a big part of religion.  The Aztec sacrificed the hearts of their enemies to their gods.  Priests and Nuns sacrifice their sexual organs in order to be pure.  P.E. classes sacrifice their weakest in order to bring laughter to the rest.  And Christians sacrifice goats.

Goats, such horrible smelly creatures.  But will spilling their blood really appease God?  Maybe God really hates goats as well.  Goats are unclean, as it is said.  And being unclean leads to the dark side going to hell.  Masturbating?  You are unclean.  Giving birth to children?  You are unclean.  Eating certain types of meat?  You are most likely unclean.  Does that mean that I am as well unclean?  Well even though I just took a shower, yes.  But nothing that can't be fixed with some good old fashioned goat slaughter. (Helpful hint- when Jehovah's Witness come to the door, make sure to yell into the next room to not let the goat escape from the altar.  It makes them leave pretty quick.)