Shopping

In a world where you can buy anything from used hairpieces, mummified pieces of random celebrity's fecal matter, to obtuse over-sized dildos, all from the internet, there still lies one thing that you have to leave the house to buy: fucking groceries.  Now if you're one of those yuppies with the fridge that senses when you're low on pickled pig feet and sends out warning messages to the nearest store that you no longer have your lardy goodness, you wouldn't have to bother.  Unfortunately, for us working class folks we have to step outside and go to the store.  But not all stores are created equal.  So you have to figure out a way to avoid the life-sucking void of stores that will steal your soul and your money.  So here's some guidelines to follow.

1) Of course, since you don't know how to cook or anything, and the reason you're going to the store in the first place is because your stomach started having the gurglies and you couldn't find any food the first, second, or third time to the fridge, you're going to end up buying shit like this:

Via
You can fix this by going to some place like Costco or whatever type of store you have in your town that gives out free samples.  Proceed to pass by them several times until sufficiently full.  If you don't, you will get drawn into the trap of the 96 pack of whatever, effectively killing your desire to ever eat any amount of said product ever again.

2) Not that I ever go to Walmart, but the stuff in there is nicely priced, as long as you don't mind the taste of sweaty immigrant workers.  If you can avoid letting people see you go in there, and are able to make your way past the obese lady in the power chair and make your way to the snack isle, you can totally find a fun sized, family sized, or even fun-family sized version of just about anything.  Just don't get distracted by the McDonalds on the way in.

3) Rayleys vs The Others.  Rayleys, Safeway, Whole Foods, wherever.  The fancy store- almost every non gang-inhabited town has one.  Then there's the less than great store where all the other people go, and end up having to choose between a pack of beers or a pack of toilet paper (guess which one they choose).  In my town, it's called Winco (The name has changed like 5 times since I came here when I was 5.)  It's really not that bad.  You can get a doughnut for 55 cents, or a two liter bottle of off-brand soda for 75.  But the Rayleys is by far my favorite, however.  Why?  Because all the hot chicks work there.  Not even kidding. Go there.

4) The Dollar Store.  EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING DOLLAR WHY DID YOU NEVER THINK OF THAT IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A RICH PERSON IN A PLACE WHERE RICH PEOPLE BUY LOTS OF CHEAP THINGS LIKE HUMAN SOULS YOU POOR FUCK YOU SHOULD GO OUT AND BUY LIKE ONE OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

1 Response to "Shopping"

  1. Zombie June 20, 2011 at 6:05 AM
    I always buy all sorts of crap I dont need when I am hungry...

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