Pizza

The last time you were eating pizza (If you're into that type of thing), what did you think?  Did you think "Oh my god, this is mind rockingly awesome, like having an orgasm in my mouth?"  Or did you think, "America, this country that I live in, likes to take native foods from other countries, bastardize them, then try to sell them back to Americans and make them think it's genuine?"  Well that's what I thought. 

Let's take a closer look at pizza.  It comes from Italy.  Same place as pasta, breadsticks, and salads complete with those olives that you can fit on your fingers so you look like an alien [kind of].


Never mind, that's just from Olive Garden.  But Pizza is actually from Italy, I swear.  At least that what we're taught as kids.  Then again, how many people have actually been to Italy?  Does it even exist?  There's not possible way a country could look exactly like a boot- I call photoshop.

It doesn't matter, because we have pizza in this modern age, which makes everything good.  Unless you're talking about Hawaiian pizza.  That stuff is just gross.  And it's not even close to Hawaiian.  Pineapples?  I really doubt that all pineapples come from Hawaii.  That's like saying that the only fat people come from America.  Then there's the 'bacon.'  Never mind the fact that it's not real bacon, it's from Canada.  CANADIAN BACON.  On a pizza deemed to be HAWAIIAN.  Can you see anything wrong with this picture?
All the genuine traditional Italian pizza that I've had right here in the United States of Not Italy has like tomatoes and herbs on it, and topped with 17 different cheeses of which none I can pronounce.  They might even throw one some prosciutto, which is like Canadian bacon minus the shit, and with actual piggy goodness.  At a pizza place back where I lived?  There was one called the 'Smokehouse."  It was one of the greatest things to ever touch my taste buds and eventually to be shat out, but it was nothing like this. 

First off, the sauce was ranch and barbecue sauce- which is almost the exact same composition of the blood that runs through the veins of Americans.  Next, it had meat.  Lots of meat, because we have tons of land to grow up our animals big and fat before we cut them up and shove them down our gizzards.  Tiny girly countries can't afford this luxury, and therefore can't eat as much amazing protein to help them grow big and strong and have the ability to win wars.  Wars are won not on the backs of pigs, but on the bellies, right where the bacon is at.  Uh Rah.

So although we steal the native foods of other countries, we make them bigger, better, and overall more delicious.  Which is what counts.

4 Response to "Pizza"

  1. MRanthrope August 28, 2011 at 8:49 PM
    I'm down for pizza just about all the time. Bacon is one of my favorite foods as well. Pizza + Bacon = HEAVEN regardless of where or how or even why it came to be. ha
  2. LoneIslander August 29, 2011 at 11:37 PM
    Sorry, But I actually DO like Pineapple pizza from time to time., I'm just a bitch like that.
  3. Anonymous October 7, 2011 at 6:20 AM
    Im sorry, but the vikings of Norway actually invented the first pizza.
    They took a normal bread, flattened it then put various fish atop it before cooking it.
  4. Anonymous October 7, 2011 at 6:20 AM
    Im sorry, but the vikings of Norway actually invented the first pizza.
    They took a normal bread, flattened it then put various fish atop it before cooking it.

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