The East.  The West.  On a map, they make sense.  Until you start labeling things on the wrong sides.

Ninjas may come from the East, but the Lawyer comes from the West, and because of this we are richer and able use modern medicine instead of voodoo and plants grown in someone's back yard.  But lawyers cannot use maps, and I'm pretty sure ninjas can't either, which brought us to this:

Via XKCD

How we broke it:

The ideas of 'the east' and 'the west' came from Europe.  While they were out exploring and trying to bring back rare food things and shiny shit for their kings to get fat and rich on, they stumbled upon 'the east,' and before even getting a chance to laugh at their lack of guns, horses, and proper shoes, they got pushed out.  So then they went and conquered the Americas instead, because our natives were frankly less scary than little asian guys with big swords.  Then eventually they built a wall, completely closing up the orient for eons and eons until they had something they could really take advantage of Americans with: anime.

Why are these tangy tasting ramen noodles called "Oriental" you ask?  Well, shut up and sit down, because if there was one point where this blog would be here to teach you something, this would be it.  East used to be the top of the map, before fuckin' magnets came around and made north the top.  (Unless you live in the Southern hemisphere, then the map is turned upside down.  This allows the retarded portion of these countries to ask why we don't fall off.)
That's the reason the east is called 'The Orient," because if you could find east, whether by the rising sun or the smell of fermenting soy-beans, you could orient yourself and not get lost going to places like, I don't know, Africa.

So here we are as Americans, the retarded middle child.  The west is to the east, the east is to the west.  We don't have ninjas like the east, and before a certain point we didn't have anybody to invent stuff like gravity and physics like the people who make up 'the west.'  But at least Hitler wasn't born here.  Ha ha, Europe.

In this world of shitty economies, one has to give up certain things in order to be able to spend more on other luxuries, such as porn on DVD instead of free pixelated shit on the internet.  This post is for the poor man who can't afford to be in the bourgeoisie. 

The rule here at the Troll Cave is bros before hos.  Cholos aren't even in the equation.  But aye, they are funny.

But there's always time for anime and video games. Whether you like Haruhi or Portal, I think we can both agree on one thing: she's the best at space.
You are guilty. Guilty of not being in space. And if you missed this next one, or just flat out don't get it, you are guilty of not being on the internet enough.

There are some things you only see a few times in your life.  Child birth.  A black person being elected president.  Someone who can lick their own elbow.  For an anti-social internet lurker like myself, it's two girls making out.

I had different expectations about what I would see and do when I went off to college.  I wondered how many crazy 'drink until you puke up your guts' parties I would get invited to.  I wondered how many of those parties would include me standing at the wall like a blind person watching a magic show, being the designated driver.  I wanted to know the feeling of laughing at people going to an 8 a.m. class, hung over and high from the night before.  I wanted to know how many of these parties would include random drunk girls making out.  Well, I haven't gotten invited to any parties, but I haven't needed to.

Take away the makeup, that's me.

Every girl says to their other girlfriends "If I were like, a total lezbo, I would like, totally do you. *hic*"  When girls do this, it's a compliment.  If you're hot enough to make members of the same sex interested in you, then you've got it goin' on.

Good job, Bieber.

If a guy says something like this to a girl, as in "Damn bitch, you fine, I would totally do you," it's called being a rude pervert, and you get a swift kick in the groin.  If a guy tells another guy that he would do him, then it's just outright violating the bro code and that is totally not brokay.  But this blog isn't about liking the opposite sex, it's about kissing, which has nothing to do with love.

Let's set the scene.  Take two bi-curious girls, and make them roommates, and then include me and my roommate ignoring them so the only refuge they have is each other(really, who would be interested in us?)  Let their curious nature take over for a month or two, then bore the shit out of them by playing Call of Duty for several hours one night.  Like wild animals in heat, their instincts will take over.  As for my roommate and myself, our instincts as lonely college students will also take over, and we will grow the patience to wait out for whatever happens.  And happen it did.

I blame would like to thank Katy Perry for making the whole lipstick lesbian cool.  I mean, who wouldn't want a little taste of some cherry chapstick (and maybe a bit of their tongue?)

Edit: I thought I would add this:

Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins.  Luckily I know I'm already going to hell, so I can indulge.

Food is a love/hate relationship.  I love food, but I hate the feeling that you get after you eat so much food that you feel like you're going to burst.  But god invented fingers not only to help you shove things into your mouth, but to shove down your throat to purge yourself (granted you're not some full-time whore or sword swallower with no gag reflex.)

Or both.  Lucky sword.

Sometimes when you're cooking for yourself, such as I, a poor college student no longer living with my mom who makes me eat veggies, do, you tend to lose sight of what really matters, like nutrition.  This may just be the addictive nature of the MSG talking, but Ramen is really great.  The combination of noodles, with a bunch of salt which makes you retain all of the water that you boiled said noodles in, really fills you up.  At least until someone makes, say, a cake.

When there is nobody around to say why you can't have something extraneous and horrible for your health, such as cake (or anything for that matter) you really can't make up a reason to keep it away from yourself.  There's enough reasons to overeat, such as every holiday- you just get to pig out on something different.  Do you want cavities and an expensive dentist bill, while at the same time running around past your bedtime dressed like a retard?  That's called Halloween.  How about a table covered in every type of food imaginable, complete with a  giant dead bird stuffed with even more food?  Thanksgivings- why yes, thank you.  Even mundane outings and even random days off give reasons.  Going to Costco?  Don't mind me, just passing by for a third sample.  About to go flying on a plane?  Oh look, they only have this store here in the terminal, and nowhere else- and I have a three hour flight in which I can slowly indulge myself.

Can also be used as a flotation device.

You know those people who can't help but think about food even while they're not eating.  As Americans, we already have ways to cope with this.  It's called the Food Network, or the 24 hour fap to food porn channel, where all your dreams of being able to cook and eat all you want will come true.  That, or you can cry to yourself about your overweigtness while you sit on your couch like a beached whale, wishing someone would come put food in your mouth.

Which we have by the way.  It's called delivery.  Sadly, it's not directly into your mouth.  I like to pretend I'm getting exercise that way though; especially if you are eating Chinese food with chopsticks.  Then I can also pretend that they're like knitting needles and I knit my chow mein into a nice warm quilt.  A warm, greasy, quilt.