As you can probably tell, I haven't been posting here a lot recently.  I've been kind of slacking... but for a good cause.  (And not my grades.)

I don't want to be cocky and say I made it to the big times, but I guess I will.  I emailed the Slacktory team, and got in touch with their super-cool editor guy, who liked my "poor man's" post.  I then proceeded to use Google images to snatch up random images in order to put captions on them, and I ended up with this.  Thanks, Nick for helping guide me through the process. 

I also made a Tumblr, because I'm a hipster like that, and because I wanted a change.  I would really hate for this blog to die, since it's been my baby for over a year now.  However I don't really have time to write huge posts about why the internet can be a dick sometimes, or try to write a paragraph about why a YouTube Video is ironic and/or funny to me.  I will probably try to update The Troll Cave once a week, but for now Tumblr will fit my blogging style better.  Sometimes, single pictures and YouTube videos are just better by themselves.  Same for rants that are too big for twitter but too small to make a post out of. 

See you around, guys.
-Troll Man

They say there are two types of people who use the internet; guys, and guys pretending to be girls.  The thing is, there are girls on the internet, not that anti-social net lurkers like me would even run into one and notice it.  Unless you were really trying, you would be hard pressed to find one as well.

Girls don't do any cool things like us guys do on the internet, like look at porn or look up sites containing nothing but pictures of food.  Which is why you've probably never seen a girl on the internet outside of videos that you touch yourself to.

Girls do go on the internet.  They go on Facebook.  They try to out duck-face their friends.  They check and see what sluts their exes are dating.  They comment on the pictures of their friends saying how cute they look.  They comment on their enemies pictures to tell them how slutty they look.  Many of the reasons I don't go there much. 

Outside of social networking, girls hold a special place.  That place happens to be out of the kitchen, but then again, it's also out of your hair.  Until they try to log in to you favorite game, and into your guild/clan.  Suddenly, just like in real life, they become a money synch, a man trap.  "I'm sure she'll talk to me if I buy her a new armor set."  "I'm sure she'll talk to me if I help her with this quest."  "I'm sure she'll take me off ignore if I log onto my alt and give her my epic weapon of noob-pwning." 

It's cute watching people try to help out a girl who they know must be helpless due to the state of her chromosomes, but it eventually becomes sickening when they find out that she is, in fact, able to kick your ass.  Soon, your inner 14 year old will kick in, and you will be forced into subservience and just remain there to not fuck her up while she carries you to victory.  Such is the story of my roommate and his lady friend, who happened to have the mic during a very sucesseful round of Nazi-Zombies.

Long story short, my roommate has a herd of pubescent boys on Xbox Live who are friends with a female voice that does not belong to him.

People of the internet usually go by "anonymous."  There is no singularity on the internet, only anonymous as a whole.  Alternatively, you can call them "faggot," but people who are gay and such tend to not like to be associated with  the horrible people who post pictures of their penises pretending to be gay. 

Occasionally you can name people who use the internet, even though we wish they didn't.  Their names are 'mom' and 'grandma.' There are just some horrible things on the internet that you just don't want them to see, or see, then ask how you knew about them.

If you somehow sort out all the clean, sane people off the internet, then you are left with a big coffee filter filled with all the horrible people of the internet- aka 4chan.

4chan boards and their users go long beyond "op" and "retards who reply to op, keeping the troll feeding cycle alive."  Some boards even have their own monikers, no doubt you've heard of a /b/tard.  But have you ever heard of a /fit/izen?  Didn't think so.

/ck/ is the cooking board.  /ck/ could be the ck in cooking, or it could be the /ck/ in cock.  Nobody is sure.  All I know is that rooster is a lot less appetizing than chicken (which also has /ck/ in it.)

Artwork and critique is /ic/  as in "I c wat you did there."  Buahaha.

Fashion is /fa/ as in fag.  We could have figured this out already.  Not all fashion lovers are necessarily fags, though.

Travel is /trv/, and although it's like a really, really huge stretch, it might stand for 'transvestite,' just because it's a really interesting experience traveling as a transvestite, with the whole pat downs at the airport and such.  You never know where they might go to find a bomb- they might end up with a completely different package.


Not that I have any experience in this.

I randomly looked through the spam folder in my email today, and among the offers for penis and breast enlargement, as well as a "$1000 Victoria's Secret Wardrobe Makeover," (Which to be honest, I think I would look stunning in, with lingerie replacing all of my regular clothing) I noticed some weird offers. 

Like a Walmart gift card.  Why Walmart?  Why me?  I know I'm pasty white, semi-low income, and am prone to spout horrible generalizations.  But how do the people Emailing me know this?  Is it because I say horrible self-incriminating statements on my blog like this?  Probably, but that doesn't mean that I have shopped or ever will shop at Walmart.  Not saying that I've never shopped there, but only to support our local Hispanic population- they have mouths to feed too.

Of course I didn't take the offer.  I mean really, why do I need a stupid gift card if they keep rolling back their prices?  Shouldn't they be free by now?

But what about all the other offers in my inbox?  What am I missing out on when I don't click on them?  Some Indian king really could have just died and left me a huge inheritance.  I could get a larger package or even a bigger rack (obviously not both, that would just look silly.) 

via

Heck, I might be the talk of the town on all these dating cites and Facebook!  I wouldn't say I'm one of the most popular people on the internet, but I'm up there with the Zuckerburgs and the uh... Al Gores.  I mean, he invented it, and I'm making it a better place.  I'm like his landscaper or something.  Except unlike a real landscaper I'm not Hispanic and I only get down and dirty in the virtual world.  Which is where it counts.  Real landscapers are going to be replaced by robots anyways.

4chan has done a great many things to me. Turned me into a pedophile. Introduced me to furries. Showed me types of porn that I wouldn’t have known about, nor would want to, but made me like them anyways. Made me despise the human race as a whole. Sure, I can hide my power level, but on the inside, I know that rubbing against a little girl on the bus would probably get me going activate my paternal instincts.  Why is this?  Because I've spent way too much time on this site.

Check the left; that's me.

So I see someone get run over by a bus, with organs spread out like meat-butter on asphalt toast, and I don't even feel sick.  Does that mean I love gore?  No, it means that I am desensitized because of Hollywood and the video game industry.  [Hey, they work as scapegoats for all those kids who come to school and shoot their teachers.]  But how do you think I would create such funny original content on this blog if I didn't copy it all off the boards on 4chan?

Assuming that watching anime already doesn't make me a freak compared to the countries that aren't called "Japan", my anime viewing is less than normal.  4chan has pretty much ruined the way I look at anime as well.  I remember what I thought of all anime before I found /a/- "Holy crap, this is awesome."  But now I pick out the plot holes, lazy animation, and terrible acting.  I now see every single scene that could be exploited with pictures of penises drawn in, or sub titles that look horrible wrong taken out of context.

I can't watch anime without seeing scenes that can be mixed in with existing memes either.

POMF

Watching anime today:

Oh no little girl!  Watch out for the bed!  Don't go POMF!

As long as I can keep myself from yelling out memes or "The Game" I think people won't suspect me of being a full-time internet lurker.  If someone happens to let one slip, one can always go along with it- partners in crime are always welcome, and the normal folks around you will be none the wiser.  At least until they find a complete lack of social skills.

I speak like 4 languages, including English. But I still like talking like a retard, even in my native language, when I know better.

This MFer knows.

Why is shit grammar so fun?  Because this is the internet, ruled by cats who would probably make Webster turn in his grave.  But if you are one of the lowlifes like myself who has never read his book (the dictionary) all the way from A to Z (Most people lose interest around Czar) you probably find this shit funny as hell.

Maybe it's just because "sharded barf" sounds like something I would use to describe some of my mother's cooking.

Now you might be saying "I don't do that, I like to be proper, here on the internet, I speak the Queen's English."  Well that's just jolly now, isn't it.  But you know if the Queen ever started using the internet, she would instantly revert to using "lol."

I think without the internet I would talk better.  I would actually have to try and laugh, and actually make it audible (because who really lols when they lol.)  I would probably use "oh my god" less, just because I wouldn't have a convenient abbreviation.  I might start using something like "oh my science" or "oh my logical reasoning."

Fact: The Internet is a big series of tubes.
Fact: if you shove enough shit into these tubes, said shit will leak out.
Fact: You really don’t want to know what the third rule is. All you need to know is that the internet is slowly invading.

You might say "I like the internet, the internet is my friend, it could never hurt me." But the internet has many faces. And some of those faces are made up of penises. So what are you going to do when some penis-faced internet monster shows up at your doorstep?

"Mom, the internet is here again."

So what happens next?  Will our cats suddenly start talking to us, complete with horrible English?  Will they develop layers of delicious puffed pastry and frosting, then gain the power to turn their colons into rainbow producing devices, and finally leave the Earth to spread joy and happiness to the galaxy?
Of course not, cats can't use the internet.   They don't know what a meme is, silly.  That's what makes them pure creatures, unlike humans.

Will bestsellers be considered "cool stories?"  How will people deal with the haters who do nothing but hate?  Will people have to be classified as "forever alone" instead of "single?"

Forever alone no longer.

The internet has already taken over, my friends, all that is left is the revolution of the interneters.

Count me in.

Meanwhile, on the internet:
Hey guys, I’m from real life, I’ve come to show you all the fun you could be having right now!

Get. The. Fuck. Out.

It's summer time, and other than me sweating my balls off, nothing is really happening. Except if you're a preteen boy. Then you get to play video games all day and be on the internet after your parents have gone to bed, looking at sites they wouldn't want you looking at. Being a college student, this is a daily occurrence for me- after all, I've earned it through many years of going through puberty, growing hair in different places, and getting a deeper voice. Which is what drives us apart from these summertime squeakers.

Typical middle school internet er.

These are the ones you hear on Xbox live- the Justin Beaber sounding ones- better known as the squeakers.  The ones who have just learned their first bad words like "faggot" and think it's the coolest thing ever.  Faggot.


Then somewhere along the line some of them find 4chan.  "Hey guys there's this site called forchan and you can like totally go there and make fun of the faggots who like anime.  Someone even posted a pic with tits.  Ya, like girl tits, real ones." 

Thus goes the last line of defense.  Normally filled with gentlemen and scholars, the boards at night get trampled by the masses of kindergarteners trying out baby's first troll.
"Hey guys, who's you're favorite anime?  Mine's Scooby Doo."

>My Face when summer.

I've discovered something amazing!  Apart from developing carpal tunnel and horrible vision from many hours of using a mouse and keyboard, I have developed keyboard callus.  Exhibit one: Korean Starcraft Players.

Totally not being stereotypical... not all Koreans play Starcraft.  Probably.

It's more like mouse hand, since it's only on the right, and when playing games my fingers are only on the WASD keys (pretty much my default position)  my left wrist pretty much never touches the desk. Here's a picture of my very obvious callus:
Compared to my left hand:

Notice the very prominent veins.  The people at the blood center love me.  I could probably be a very good druggie.

Sadly, I could not figure out a way to compare them side to side because well... taking a picture of my right hand was hard enough.  Taking a picture with no hands is a no go. 

I can probably guess you are confirming your own right now.  Yes, your wrist has grown extra padding to accommodate for it setting against a hard surface all day.  I wouldn't be surprised if my wrist bone has grown as well.

Today, my internet was down.  It lasted for about 4 hours.  No tweets were tweeted, no lols were had, no porn was fapped to, and no boards were trolled.  It was truly dark times.  Luckily my ISP got their act together, fixed the cord they tripped over, and got me my livelyhood back.

Color coding: doesn't work when they're all the same color.

I thought about calling up my ISP to see what was the problem, but I would probably be asked to restart my computer, my router, my modem, refresh my IP, do a virus scan, reinstall my operating system, redo the wiring in my house, build a satellite dish out of tinfoil and coat hangers, as well as other stuff to let them stall long enough to fix the obvious problem on their end.  But I didn't, and my internet is back, and I didn't even have to do anything to fix it, like I have been doing lately.

My mom happened to get a virus the other day.  How?  I saw that her antivirus wasn't running.  It worked when I opened it up, but it wouldn't run in the background, so I tried uninstalling it.  It failed.  Why?  It said I couldn't because it wasn't even installed.  Downloading the new version seemed to work, but it would have helped if it was there when she got the virus.  One of those viruses that says everything on your computer is infected, and is therefore unusable.


Of course removing that asshole of a virus messed up Windows, but I was once again able to fix it. However, now my mom is paranoid. Internets down? Virus. Laptop shuts down because battery is low? Virus. Can’t print? Virus. Ugh...

Rule 34: The Thirty Fourth Rule of the Internet (Obviously).  This rule states that if something exists, there is porn of it.  It's just like finding AMV set to Linkin Park on Youtube.  There is one for every anime.  Ever.  Believe me, go search it for yourself.  (Faint is the most popular by far.)

Pepsi x Coke

But because the likelihood of rule-breaking degenerates existing on the internet, not every one of these rules will hold up.  Descartes would most likely have a field day with this.  [I think, therefore I exist.]  If we take the inverse of rule 34 (34^-1), it would give you something like this:  If there is porn of me, that would mean I exist.  Well, when's the last time you saw Descartes Porn?

He does have a porn star mustache though.

If you think about it even more, when's the last time you saw Jesus porn (I know some of you sick fucks would search for it).  Porn exists of everything?  I think not.

There needs to be a rule about fetishes too, I'm pretty sure every item turns on at least one person in some way or another.

Mmmm yeah paperclip penis.

I actually learned recently that "fetish" can also mean "good luck charm."  Does that mean wearing my raincoat make me lucky because it's made out of latex?

We've done a lot of exploring of the internets here on 4chan Friday. Sadly, unlike the internet, 4chan has a finite number of boards, which means the end was inevitable, but before that, let's take a look at what we saw and did.

Well Trollers, 4chan Friday is almost over and I don't know if I have any more witty ways to start off.   But to make it up for you guys, I'm doing 3 board tonight.

Tonight we have /ic/ /toy/ and /x/.  I tried to make an anagram out of this, but the best I could do was cix toy.  (It sounds like sex toy, get it hahaha?)

Paranoia,  or /x/ is kind of like Bill O'reilly, it's the place for all the stuff you can't explain.

But it's more like those goth kids at school who pretend that they're vampires and werewolves, and go around in their Twilight-like fantasies of biting each other.  Also there's people who play Amnesia.  Now that definitely will make you become paranoid.

/ic/ is a pretty cool guy.  I don't know if it's intentional or not, but it's the Artwork/Critique board (ic/I see d'oh).  Let me tell you something.  Everyone is a critic.  Especially 4chan.  And it probably sucks.  Go back to photoshopping random faces on people.  Hey, that remind me of something- I got a Canvas invite today, which means I can do just that!

Toys.  I think we've done this far enough to know that this is what /toy/ stands for.  And guess what they talk about?  You know, as these boards start to dwindle down, they seem to be less and less mysterious.  But there is something I want to bring up.  Why are grown men (no women on the internet) playing with toys?  Unless those toys are big and gas powered, or have the possibility of destroying something.  

Last week's 4chan Friday sadly got taken over by Justin Bieber, another reason to dislike him.  However do not fear, for it is back!

This week on 4chan Friday, I'm doing two board that involve two things that I will be doing soon:  /trv/ and /cgl/

/cgl/ stands for Cosplay & EGL.  I actually don't know what EGL stands for, but for you normal non-anime watching people out there, cosplay is dressing up like a character from an anime.  Which might seem kind of weird, especially if you're doing it just to go out shopping or something.

Or if you do this

But I'm not that into making a fool of myself (at least in real life, in a fairly small town).  No, I'm going to Fanime con, at the end of May.  It's still kind of far away, so my cosplay isn't quite ready, but I will update as it comes closer.  Speaking of being far away...

/trv/ is the Travel Board.  The anime convention is in San Jose California, about a 5 hour drive.  Which means me and at least one other friend on a long road trip to an anime convention with Jpop and other anime music blaring the whole way.

It's funny that Travel has its own board.  Some people consider the trip half of the fun, but I actually consider it more about 67% of the fun.  The other however much percent involves being able to go around in a strange city, trying not to get lost and/or killed, preferably dressed up as a random androgynous looking anime character.   San Jose here we come!

Facebook is probably one of the worst time wasters for me, almost as bad as Minecraft.  I never really post though, that would probably lead me into social interactions, which would probably be awkward.  I just kind of scroll down though the news, seeing what people are doing, what people are still alive, what people may have died, who broke up or who hooked up with who, or what people like.

The last bit seems the most mundane, but people seem to like the wierdest things (like mushrooms, which I still remain firm on, no matter what people say.)

"That Awkward moment when..."

Wait, you like awkward moments?   Sure, you could be an exhibitionist troll, but if you suddenly get giddy when the conversation suddenly drops, you need some help.  Unless you're talking to someone you don't want to.  Then you can run out of there at full speed. 

Whats worse is the fact that you can like people's posts about them doing boring shit during their day. 

"I just took the hugest poop"

Like.

"I just broke up with my girlfriend."

 Like.

Trolling quota for the day: completed.  Now, if they only had a dislike button.

Today is Friday, and since I didn't spend my day trying to figure out which seat to pick, I was able to just be lazy the whole day and browse 4chan. This is what I found.

/sci/ Stands for Math & Science, basically everything that pretty much makes no sense to me. Math has lots of numbers and stuff, which I really don't like. I know the entirety of Hiragana and Katakana by heart, but I really don't know shit about deriving or anything. It's all Greek to me. Until I actually go out and learn Greek, at which point it's something else. Probably Klingon.

Don't even get me started on Science. The only thing I know about science is the fact that it works a lot better than religion.

Torrents, or /t/ is the best way to get anything.  Porn, free software and games, viruses, you name it.   Except on 4chan.  Sadly, one rule of /t/ in no warez, in other words software. That’s right, no pirates here. You’re better off heading over to a certain site that might get me into some trouble if I mentioned it, but I assure you it's on the high seas.  However, what this means that it is actually one of the safer boards to be on, being that you won’t be getting any surprise visits from the FBI.  And now that I have a ton of red-flags here in my post, it's time to set up the tinfoil. 

It's Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday/Everybody's Looking forward to the weekend.

Haha, just kidding, Friday is for 4chan.  If we replaced every tweener girl who somehow became famous despite not having any musical talent with a /b/tard, the world would be so much better.  On a semi-related note, we have more porn and giant robots.  No giant robot porn though.

/gif/ is one of those misleading ones.  No, it actually has gifs, but one would think that they would be more... innocent.  Like this.

*Haruhi poke*

Except that Gif is mostly filled with porn.  Because watching the same few frames over and over again is so much better than watching a whole movie.  Most of the time it's not even the money shot.  What is wrong with people nowadays. 

Now, who likes big robots?  I guess the guys on /m/ do, since it is the Mecha board.  Unless by mecha they mean big mechanical penises.  Then they can head to /gif/.

Mecha are really big in Japan actually.  And not just because Japanese people are equally small.  Ever since the days of series like Gundam, people have loved really big robots that destroy shit.  They even made a life-size model of one (which happened to be knocked down by the earthquake, where is your savior now, Japan?)

I kind of like the various cockpit designs, it's interesting seeing the various ways that they are controlled and so on.  Mechs can be controlled in ways that range from mashing a huge panel of buttons, connecting to your brain and nervous system, or just screaming really loudly while yanking around a couple of ambiguous looking handles.  Nevertheless, it seems to work just fine anyways...

Well, since today isn't my birthday, I guess 4chan Friday will do.  Can't buy $15 worth of drinks every week to make Epic Drink Time.

If you haven't been under a rock for the last 24 hours, you should know that a huge earthquake + wave hit Japan, the first step towards end of the world.  I just hope I can finish this 4chan Friday series before that happens.  So, in light of what's happening over there, I'm doing /jp/.

/jp/ actually stands for "Otaku Culture", and not Japan (much like how /ck/ stands for cooking and not cocks).  But I figure Japan is mostly Otakus anyways, so it works out.  I think the question on everyone's mind right now is, when Japan sinks, how do we get our moé? Other anime too.

What about Pakistani animes?

Japan is also rich with different types of Transportation.  Except now their airports and subways are under water, and to tell you the truth, riding a bike through a massive puddle sucks as well.  But /n/, or Transportation, has that covered.  Kind of.
 Japan is an island country, get over it.  They have boats.  At least it wasn't Godzilla this time.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.  Unless it's so trashy that you just want it gone.  If you have to pay someone just to get rid of it, it pretty much means that it's beyond all hope.  (Until you see the person who took it selling for twice the price.)

When I'm not on Craigslist looking for casual sex... err platonic meet ups, I take a look at the "free stuff" section to see what potential treasures are out there.  Sadly, most of it is trash, but not just any trash.  Oh no.  I think the best way to describe some of this is "where did you get this, why do you still have it, and what do you want me to do with it?"

It says it's new, but that brings about two possible questions; one, where would you get one sans-chair, or better yet, why would you destroy a new chair just to get the recliner mechanism that you would later give away?

This next one makes me wonder:

What the hell is a homie?  I know that most people on craigslist have absolutely horrible spelling, but I really can't think of anything that would even make sense for a correct spelling.  I know I'm a cheapo sometimes, but I wouldn't go as far as selling my friends just to make a quick buck. 

Along with something like underwear, one thing I would never consider selling or buying used is a toilet (or 2).

"in tackt"

Yes, thank you for the pictures, because I have no idea what a toilet looks like.  But then again, if you are buying them, you might not have any in the first place to compare to.  I hate going to the bathroom in public, or even in other people's houses, but I would be wary even using one of these in my own house.  I mean, they didn't even clean them!  Once your butt touches something, you pretty much claim ownership of it.

More to come!